Another weekend in the books, another 72 hours of sex-free fun added to my eternal dry spell.

Each week I allow myself an ounce of desperation: that this weekend will be different. If Magic Johnson can beat AIDS, I sure as shit can get laid. But alas, the emotional cue ends the same. Female affection eludes me once more while I wallow in my sorrows the following morning using my tears as lubricant.

Be that as it may, just because I have yet to Elope into Ryan Gosling and am not suffocating under a pile of women on a regular basis; doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be prepared.

I have just recently come across what has to be the gold mine of what I now am calling, “SEX PREP.” It’s called Kegels. It’s the latest fad at my workplace. Evidently, all the middle-aged, out of shape men Inhabit an office  with are practicing this Kegel lifestyle and their wives are loving it.

Naturally I spent the afternoon at work researching the shit out of it. Evidently,  you just tighten your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for three seconds, and then relax for three seconds. Thats one kegel. Seems simple enough

At this stage in my life, no leaf can be left unturned.

Fun Facts

  • Did you know that the kegel exercise helps control that urge?

That’s right you premature’s. Tighten those pelvic muscles.

  • Flaccid Man?

Worry not you wiggly gummy worms: Kegels are scientifically proven to aid in blood circulation.

  • Climax

Looking for that extra thrill you can’t find scrolling through the back of hustler magazines? Kegals has got you covered. Backed by science, practicing Kegals on a regular basis it is proven to intensify climax.

Kegels are the future and its about damn time we abide by it’s guidelines. 

Peep the video below for some instructional exercises.

                                                 Written by Dusty Cummings