Cubicle Chatter

An Open Letter To Mr. Bell

Someone once told me “A tie is like kissing your sister” but I got to tell ya, this feels better than waking up on a Sunday with no hangover. Not that I know what that feels like anymore, cause these days my hangovers usually last longer than Bill Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky, but that’s neither here nor there. No, I’m not talking about the pathetic excuse for a game that the Steelers & Browns put on display in Mistake By The lake, Ohio this weekend.  I’m talking about an individual named James Conner and his beautiful display of athletic ability on Sunday, not to mention his hair and being President of The Mullet Revival Fan Club.

Anyways, 135 yards and 2 touchdowns in his inaugural start, doing all of this on 31 carries. For those of you who don’t watch football, I’m not going to waste my time explaining that to you, just know its good and also, you’re in the wrong place. That being said,  please stay a while and click around meaninglessly, we do have a quota to meet. However, I digress, let me get back to focusing on Le’Veon, also known by his rap fans as ‘Juice’ and by fans I mean his mom and friends that stick around strictly for trickle-down banging. No knock on them by any means, well played strategy, sure beats blue crabbing it. Blue Crabs are the raccoons of the ocean, swallowing up anything and everything they can at the bottom of the ocean, essentially just taking the scraps, so you get the point.  Anybody who’s ever listened to one of his songs knows that it sounds a little similar to that kid from your hometown who still lives with his mom and insists that his career is about to take off any minute now. You know, the listen to my sound cloud, my new mix tape is fire (insert a stupid amount of fire emojis) kid but worse, way worse. I’m fairly certain you could find your local crack head, play a beat, and they would muster up some form of words that rhyme and sound a hell of a lot better than Juice’s music, but again, not the point. I’m for sure not biased but by doing this, James Conner shows that not only should Bell stop putting out music that would make Guantanamo Bay guards blush, but also that Pittsburgh’s run game does just fine with him being 1,200 miles away. This, of course is fairly important given recent contract disputes and given the fact that he forfeits $853,000 each week he decides to spend his time enjoying Miami’s finest Gentlemen’s Clubs instead of reporting to Pittsburgh and you know, doing his job.

Imagine being so petty that you were willing to lose almost a million dollars per week. But again, I am for sure unbiased and not at all upset by this situation or the tie. Let me be the first to say, I’d be willing to tie every game this season (hey, we’d be undefeated) if that meant Le’Veon Bell rode the bench the entire season. Suck my ass, Le’Veon.

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Jonner Cones

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