The following is based on a true story:

“Hey man, Hold up, they’re stuck”

“Who’s stuck?”

“The girls, they’re stuck”

I didn’t have a cape, but at that moment it felt like I did. I bang on the door.

“Hang on. I’ll get you out. Everybody stay calm”

Catch Up: We’re in the middle of a huge party at my house in college. My friend stops me at the only bathroom we allow people to use to let me know people were stuck. For me, this is a problem since the only other alternatives are the lawn and my own personal bathroom. I don’t want to see dicks flowered across the front lawn or in my bedroom, so I step into action.

“Are you ok? Can you breathe?! Crack the window for air!!!”

I jiggle the doorknob franticly and ram my shoulder into the door to pop it open. It’s tough, doesn’t budge. Must be reinforced with steel or something.

“Hang on! Remain Calm!”

How am I going to get them out? Think Stupid! Think!

I look around for a crowbar to pry the door open. Never used one so wouldn’t even know if I saw it. Do I light the door on fire and try burning it down? No, that could spread to the rest of the house. I’m trying to save their lives not end the party.

It’s clear there is only one solution, brute force. I’m going to have to use my entire body to bust through this door. I channel my inner Titan. “Left side, Strong Side”. This one is for you Denzel.

Just as I am about to deliver a devastating blow and rescue these prisoners from their entrapment, 3 girls open the door. “OMG, What do you want?”

They had a pretty nasty attitude for just having been saved, so I’m totally confused. Every super hero movie I’ve ever seen the hero ALWAYS gets the girl, so what am I doing wrong? I look over at my “friend” and he is hysterical.

See it was so loud I couldn’t hear anyone in the bathroom say “we’re good”. Turns out, they weren’t trapped at all. It was the ultimate hoax that left me trying to break into the bathroom while girls were trying to pee. I thought I was being a hero but it turns out I was just being an unwilling perv. Oh well, I guess that’s just the price I have to pay of being a hero.

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Silent Riot