Cubicle Chatter

Meltdown Monday: Chicks dig the Fitz ball, Owen two blues and Alligator arms in Charlotte

WOW JUST WOW. THE BUCS ARE OFFICIALLY BACK BABY. Can I say SUPER BOWL! WHO? What about BIG DICK NICK!? WHAT! How bout you pass me that PHILLY CHEESE ass whole because the Beast just got a taste and he wants more. This whole article is tough for me to write by the way because my keyboard is filled with water. Water from all the tears of joy mixed with  buffalo sauce. I am fucking stoked. At first, I didn’t want to believe it but when I saw my sweet prince throw a 75 yard bomb to Jackson on the very first play, I knew the Pumpkin that is the Buc’s Cinderella season had yet to burst. The rumors are true, my baby back Buc’s are undefeated.. Fitzmagic went for over 400 yds and 4 td’s AGAIN that’s TWO weeks in a row. His cleats are being sent to the hall of fame as the only QB to accomplish that feat. I’m not making this shit up either. Let me spit some Harvard knowledge for you.  Fitzpatrick now owns the record of the most fantasy points of any QB through week 2 according to ESPN  all the while only being owned in 24% of leagues. He also has led the Buc’s to the most points scored in franchise history through two games also leading them to their only 9th time going 2-0.

What I’m eluding to is, Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t the quarterback we wanted but he just might be the quarterback we fall in love with. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are in sole position of first place in the south and while this might sound like an overreaction, I think we can run the table. The defense looked decent against a horrendous Foles. Fitz spread the ball around today like peanut butter on my sandwich. We just cleaned house against a team that was a super bowl favorite and the defending super bowl champion. Not to shabby for a team that opened as “the worst team in the NFL”. So as I sit here eating my sweet victory cheese steak,  all I have to say is next week on Monday night were coming for your ass Jonnor Cones because Pittsburg is about to be 0-2-1 and Fitzmagic is about to be 3-0.

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The Beast.

                                                 

                                                      Owen 2 Blues

On September 17th for a 5th time since 2013 New York Giant Fans and myself will wake up tomorrow, look at our phone and see endless texts all saying the same two words “knock knock.” You don’t need to ask whose there…. you know whose there. A Mr. Owen Tù is at the door, 0-2 for short.

After Landon Collins said our defense has a better chance of winning if Dak is throwing rather than  Zeke running, The Cowboys QB had two words of his own for LC “Challenge Accepted”.

What do ya fucking know, this Texas Frozen Dakuiri came out hotter than a ferret in a forest fire hitting Tavon Austin on a deep bomb. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!!!!!.

There was not many highlights in this loss besides Evan Engram’s touchdown catch over Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend and Saquan being actually impossible to solo tackle. This giants performance was like  Adam Sandler after The Longest Yard, absolute shit.

The NYG Offense Line made the guards at Buckingham Palace look like hard workers tonight on Prime-time TV. This offensive line has some many holes they should be sponsored by Crocs. 6 Sacks is a bad number but it looks even worse when your Defense gets goose egged through 3 quarters. I can only hope it’s all mental mistakes and our front 4 isn’t on the same page which will fade but needs to fade soon. On the positive side of things for the O-Line Ereck Flowers didn’t Blatantly try to trip a pass rusher as the RT was left in the wind

Not to be dramatic but if I  have to see Eli Manning overthrow another wide open giants receiver on a deep ball I’m going to cancel my DIRECTV plan and never eat at papa Johns Again.

I have yet to lose faith in my team, we are down but we are not out. It’s like Sylvester Stallone said “ it’s not about how hard you hit it’s about how hard It is for me to show facial expressions due to my multiple Plastic surgeries”

-OC

P.S. Odell you did gr8 bby ily :*

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Alligator Arm Funchess

Somebody get me in front of a keyboard, I got a lot to say. It’s not even week 3 and kitty cats of Charlotte are already ruining my life. The Panthers looked that of lethargic house cat today rather than the fierce jungle cat. With the exception of McCaffery and 4th quarter Newton, the rest of the team resembled Garfield out there. An absolute piss poor effort and horrendous offensive play calling, until the last four minutes, of course.  Like trying to chase the dragon that is the Atlanta offense, the kitty cat’s couldn’t keep up. That’s really expected when your leading receiver is a fucking running back. It is also guaranteed when your featured WR1 is Devin alligator arm Funchess. I have yet to gander at the saber metrics yesterday but I am willing to bet Funchess had more drops than catches. Every time the ball is thrown in his region, like clock work, it happens. Those long dangly arms of his shrivels up to his body like an alligator. There we sit as fans, watching in disgust. I get Kelvin Benjamin literally ate his way out of Carolina but I figured we would at least go get a true number 1. Spoiler alert: Devin Funchess is not the answer. Plot twist: DJ Moore just might be, but not right now.  Speak of the devil, nice to see we decided to utilize our first round pick with 5 minutes left in he game. I too agree, we should save our most talented players for the last quarter down by 14. I came into this season optafuckingmsitic about the offense, which has been lackluster to say the least. A garbage win against the Cowboys followed up with a statement loss by our division rivals. Worry not, next week we got the battle of the cats, facing off against AJ green and the red riffle. Meanwhile Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Buccaneers sit in first place in the South. That’s right , you heard me right, the Bucs are in first fucking place beating two teams Carolina would have been smoked by.

It’s all downhill from here. Happy Monday.

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Written by DGD

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