As I sat in my office stall taking my morning poop, it dawned on me. This is my first official paid poop of the new work week. Wipe upon wipe using Martha’s ¼ ply sandpaper TP, I pondered, how much money have I acquired pooping?
It’s no secret, pooping at work is that guilty pleasure we all secretly enjoy. Those few scarce minutes a day you can unwind, hop on tinder and avoid reality. In a desperate attempt to spark my non eventful post grad life, I thought I would orchestrate an office experiment. For a whole month, I decided to document my bathroom duties by averaging how much I was paid to poop this past month. Allow me to introduce, Deuces for Dollars!

You may be thinking, this kids a f*****g wacko and you’re not far off. Be that as it may, when you’re as miserable as I am during work, no stones of entertainment may be left unturned. While on the clock, I typically tend to go the extra mile in terms of using facilities.

Average poops per day for month of August 4
Average time per poop: 7:50 minutes
Salary per hour: $26
dollars per poop: $2.88
Poop dollars per day: $11.52
Poop dollars per week: $57.60
Poop dollars per month: $230.40
Poop dollars per year: $2,764.80
Poop dollars per career (30 years) $82,944
(Does not include Leap year)
(not including company raises keep pooping!)

You know what they say, I make a penny, my boss makes a dime, So I shit on company time. Math is wild. keep on pooping away my office jockeys, that fat paycheck is around the corner.