It would end up becoming one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. Before starting my two and a half hour road trip from Fort Myers to Tampa, I decided to slam a large red bull. It was 3 in the afternoon and I was wide awake, so it was completely unnecessary, but I figured caffeine jitters would help make the time fly by quicker.
About an hour and a half into the trip, I had to pee…bad. I probably could have held it another hour, but back then I was young, stupid, and dare I say, a bit of a thrill seeker. So I decided to pull over into Arcadia to relieve myself. Nothing classy, a gas station will do.
Boy do I know how to pick em. This was one of those trashy gas stations, where the bathroom is around back. Probably with no cameras so the owners can free themselves of all liability. Didn’t matter to me though. Slummin it felt cool and I was just happy to finally empty my bladder. I hurry into the bathroom, lock the door behind me, walk up to the urinal and begin the business.
Mid flow I read a message on the wall. In Sharpie ink it says “If you like to suck dick and swallow I’ll be back in 5 minutes”. I started laughing, thinking to myself “That must get so many people”. Just as I finish that thought, the door flies open behind me.
My heart stops. The pee doesn’t. I gasp pure fear. He’s back.
“Oh sorry”, he mutters as he slams the door shut.
In a state of pure panic, I zip up my pants and wash my hands (for some reason I thought I’d be able to fight off my attacker better if my hands were clean), and then I ran to my car and sped off.
As I get back on the highway, my adrenaline starts to wear off and I become grateful I made it out safely. All I could think about was how close I was to being attacked and how my almost attacker changed his mind. Then fear became laughter as I realized it was probably just someone else waiting to use the bathroom. Total misunderstanding.
Then I thought, “Hold up, what just happened?” Was this guy there to have his way with me and suddenly changed his mind? Did he just take one look at me and think “ew never mind”.
My relief quickly transformed to despair. I mean it’s great I didn’t get attacked, but am I really not good enough? My whole life as I know it starts spiraling out of control. Here I was thinking I was decent looking, but now I’m realizing that I’m actually repulsing to even the world’s biggest degenerates.
Anyway, the moral of the story, whatever you do, don’t stop in Arcadia. Your bladder will be destroyed but at least your self esteem will stay in tact.
Categories: Cubicle Chatter