9 months deep into my corporate job, a quarter life crisis was struck upon me. In three short months marks the one year I officially graduated from college. Holy Shit. Excessive anxiety followed numerous panic attacks followed with the mere thought of this. It’s been almost one f***ing year and I just moved out of my parent’s house. What the hell have I accomplished? Savings account? NO. steady bank balance? LOL. 401 k-? Negatory. Girlfriend? I have yet to sniff a female since graduating. As I began to sink into my desk letting my mind run amuck, hope sprung on me. Spring Break is right around the corner and what better way to drown my current despair then to embark on my first post collegiate spring break.
In hopes to break my enduring dry spell, I took a week’s vacation and booked a cruise with eight of my degenerate buddies. To further enhance our chances of porking on our cruise which we coined the SS f**k fest, we decided another variable was needed to make us sparkle. Nothing like a bachelor party to get the juices flowing. One problem, none of us jagaloons were engaged nor currently dating anyone. Problem solved, introducing the Fake Bachelor party.
Now, this wasn’t your run of the mill fake bachelor party. This shit was months in the making, meticulously schemed and plotted so to the common eye, we were legit. From fake aliases to pretend careers, our back stories were covered to the teat. We made shirts with a checklist on the back in a desperate attempt some females would find them humorous rather than revolting. There were not weak points, no visible holes to sink our love boat. Yet, the great elephant in the room grew immensely with each waking day.
With a fake bachelor party, you need a fake groom. Ask yourself, why would any of these hormone crazed 23-year old buffoons volunteer to be the human vaginal repellant? The Groom. After all, no one wants to sleep with a man about to take the plunge. Someone needed to step up. A hero was needed in a dire hour to save our deceitful plot. In the end, no one stepped up, no hero emerged.
Plan B: We just decided the groom should be someone not attending the cruise. Naturally, the choice became overwhelmingly effortless. Allow me to introduce, Brent Ely. To the public ear that may ring no bells but to anyone in the radius of Fort Myers, Florida, your ears are aching from those f****ng bells.
Alas, the fellowship of nine had found its scapegoat groom to indulge in a 4-day debauchery affair.
Troy Jacobs, the Civil Engineer from the University of Texas and company were all set to leave their troublesome career behind for one week. Stay tuned for Part 2