Sexless In Seattle

Red Flags Great Adventure

Dating online is exciting. Without leaving your couch you can meet someone in the palm of your hand with a simple swipe left or right of the good ol’ thumb.

But ya gotta be careful. You can meet a lot of psychopaths out there who are trying to catfish you. And these swipe right sites are a gateway for all those wierdos.

Here’s some red flags you should keep in mind when swiping on these sites:

  1. “I like to smile”: You’ll often see people write in their profiles that they like to “smile and laugh” as if it’s a hobby. Red Flag. Smiling and laughing are natural reflexes you have when you see something joyous. If someone is voluntarily smiling and laughing all the time then they are in fact a serial killer. Proceed cautiously with these jokers, as one false move could lead you to a nice cozy spot in their basement where they tell you to add lotion every day. That’s a little too kinky for my taste.
  2. “Oops I can’t change it”: Many girls’ profile will say they can’t change their age and that they are actually something under 21. For example “Actually 19 not 21, lol don’t know how to change it.” I do, change it on facebook you mongoloid. A bouncer is not checking your facebook so stop living this double life. Regardless, it’s jail bait, so avoid those Fulsom Prison Blues and keep swiping on that train down to San Anton.
  3. Sit Boo Boo sit: Almost every girl has a picture on her profile that features the puppy snapchat filter. One is ok. More than one, questionable. There’s also the infamous filter with the flowers and butterflies and shit that float around their head and clean up their face. If every single picture has a snapchat filter, be very wary. Dogs are awesome so it’s not a total deal breaker. Bring some dog treats just in case she is in fact a dog.
  4. Tall Wall Like a disco ball: While there is no greater joy than seeing the look on a girls face when she meets you for the first time and sees you represent the lollipop guild, you still want to check if she asks for height in her bio. Most ask for a guy who is over six foot, so don’t waste your time with those, unless you are six foot then free game hombre.
  5. The Repeat Offender: There’s a good chance you’ll match with the same profile multiple times. You’ll match with this profile over the weekend, message something overly clever like “Hey”, and by next weekend you will match with them again. No, there’s not a glitch in the Matrix. This is their strategy which I have not figured out the benefits of just yet. To these people, it’s best to swipe for everyone they see, then delete their profile, reinstall, and do it all over again. Don’t bother messaging these rolling stones, they’ll be gone before you know it.

 

There’s probably more red flags not mentioned above like only having fish or gym pics, or maybe just the very fact that they are on a dating app. If you know of any others let us know. We’re in this together. Swipe Safe my friends.

 

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Written by Silent Riot

Categories: Sexless In Seattle

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