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Caps Cubicle: Caps Win, I lose

A Long Tale of the worst day of my life after the Stanley Cup Win: June 8th

A plethora of broken coffee tables and 25 shattered hearts later, the boys in red finally achieved this little boys dream and became Stanley Cup Champions! Before we dive into this saga, here’s a big middle finger to all you who whispered in my ear for years that it wasn’t the Caps year, that they would choke or that there’s no way Ovie could ever lead a team to a championship. I sincerely hope you and your kids get bird flu.

That being said, watching that Russian Ogre of a man hoist the worlds finest silver made my eyes squirt. To see the burdened weight of disappointment, vanquish the moment that cup was lifted is the greatest thing I will ever see in my lifetime. Sure, I may have a kid one day but watching that bloody fetus pop its head out of my future wife’s vagina won’t even come close.

Needless to say, June 7th was the greatest night of my life. However, Friday morning June 8th, single handily the worst day of my life. Stay with me here.

5 minutes into the Caps Cup celebration, a deep darkness overtook me.

The festivities of Thursday night eliminated any chance for me to enjoy the post Stanley Cup weekend celebration. It all began around 5:20 a.m. as my buddy rudely awakened my slumber. “What the fuck did you do!”  Inebriated and puzzled I stumbled into the kitchen where my comrade stood. To my dismay, the current sink that occupied our kitchen had fallen directly through the cabinet. By fallen, I mean someone stood on the sink and collapsed into the cabinet. I proceeded to ask, ” Uh How did that happen?” I knew damn well. Hurricane fucking DGD came through. Further verbal abuse commenced. Truly Perplexed as I was experiencing amnesia I denied any and all involvement and passed back out on the couch.

9:30 a.m. strikes, more abuse echoes from my other roommates as it turns out the sink was not the only item effected by the drunken tornado I became. Shattered glass followed by fine china scattered throughout the home. Why stop there? Pour more Kerosene onto the fire, Belly Boo who also indulged in the commemoration of the Caps victory, happened to have excreted urine all over the couches. As did I. 

Fast foreword to 11:00 a.m. At Lowe’s spending a fortune on supplies to undo last night, it dawns on me… today is Friday. Friday as in it’s a fucking work day.  Anxiety seeps in like the urine in the couches. A quick glance at my email and realize my absence has not gone unnoticed. After a 30-minute ass thrashing from my boss, I attempt to fix the sink. Turns out I’m not the Bob the Builder I thought I was. 2 hours and a $300 plumber later the sink is fixed and by fixed I mean he’ll get here Monday to address it.

2:00 p.m. hits and I have to attend a work function. I figured I should at least show up for the last half of the day eh? Besides a few drinks at a work party, how the hell could this day get any worse.

Few hours in, ya boy is boozing and that hangover has turned into a robust drunk. I’m Baaaaaaaaaaack! As Happy hour comes to a conclusion, I proceed to tab out as I reach into my pocket. What would you know, my card is missing? For the next hour my drunken self along with what must have been 30 co-workers frantically play blue’s clues in hot pursuit for my card. I firmly cement my place as the laughing stock of my company. Thankfully the hockey gods showed mercy on me for being a miserable caps fan all these years as security found my card. As I waited in the lobby to retrieve my debit card that was essentially useless after paying for all my sins this morning, I hear a “What are you doing here?” an old collegiate friend approaches, dressed like he just bought out Men’s Warehouse, meanwhile I’m belly out in a Hawaiian. “ Oh nothing, I’m Just waiting for security to bring me my debit card.”  I respond. With a smile while shaking his head, he smugly replies “You know, some things never change.”

Well shit, thanks  asshole.

If you stuck with this long saga that is my life, chances are your life is worse than mine.

Caps Win, I Lose. Heres to hoisting it again in 2019 boys!

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Written by DGD

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