Hello, my name is Silent Riot, and I’m addicted to Fantasy Football.
We’re only a few weeks into the season, but it has become apparent that every aspect of my life revolves around managing my team. Once I took on the responsibility of being general manager of this fine establishment, all other responsibilities in my life seemed to vanish. In fact, just the other day at work, I was reprimanded for hiding in the bathroom stall for hours preparing for the week’s matchups. I tried to convince my boss that I was just pleasuring myself, but apparently people don’t shout “Undefeated” while climaxing.
Not only has my performance at work declined, but I also noticed that I now try to live the football lifestyle in order to better lead my team. I’m wearing suits on game day and reciting motivational quotes from famous football coaches. Then at night, I take a bunch of pain killers and party with gold diggers to celebrate my victory. My friends and family tell me I shouldn’t spend so much time managing my team, but clearly they don’t know what it takes to win. They will never know how much pressure I’m under and how many fans and players are counting on my leadership.
I spend hours researching statistics that I don’t understand, and reading articles about people I’ve never even heard of. Why do I do this? Because the way I manage this team makes me feel like a God. I make and break people’s careers with the single push of a button. One week I’m welcoming them to the team, and the next I’m sending them packing. “Sorry you didn’t score any points this week. It’s time to leave. Hope you didn’t spend your signing bonus yet, because you’re statistically destined to be bankrupt in a year.”
Before Fantasy life, I was never good with goodbyes, and I couldn’t have even imagined firing someone. But today I tried firing the cashier at Dunkin’ Donuts. I don’t even work at Dunkin’ Donuts, but the coffee she made was terrible and she fumbled a donut. That’s not the performance that wins Superbowls.
I once had a coach tell me “If you want a friend, get a puppy.” Seems harsh, but my dad was right. I didn’t join this league to make friends. I joined this league to live the Football lifestyle that everyone always told me I was “too small” to live, and to win that $100 pot (or $20 for second place).
I don’t know what I’ll do when this league ends. I guess I can go back to living my regular life, working at my regular job, partying with girls who aren’t interested in my money or power or me, and making decisions that don’t make or break careers. But until then, I’m going to continue to dominate the NFL and inspire greatness like the legendary coach I am.
I’m Silent Riot, and I’m addicted to Fantasy Football.
Categories: Cubicle Chatter