Diet Starts Tomorrow

Make Carbs Great Again!

It’s difficult to even grasp my mind around what a shaming society we have become. Weather its some shit talking hipster cowering behind a computer or my own damn father advising me not to eat that third hamburger, we’ve gotten out of control. For starters, grow up, dad. If I want to indulge myself in five square meals a day, jump in a hot tub buck naked and play Scrooge McDuck that is 100 percent my business, not yours. Moving on. Our society in so fucking far down the rabbit hole between wrong and right, we can’t decipher a Twix from snickers. Not even two moons ago I experienced such an egregious event, I’m experiencing CTE. It was just an ordinary evening, having a few drinks with some colleagues. As I am guzzling down my second oreo milkshake, the waitress comes by and asks naively” Are we ready to eat”” Oh you poor thing, you don’t know what you just got yourself into. I am food mama. Being the gentleman I am, I completely bypassed the three females attempting to order as I belched out my order. Hearing my own voice whimper double bacon mac burger with extra cheese and side of truffle fries sent a thick blood stream right to my purple helmeted warrior. Not everyone felt as spritely as I had about my stupendous order. Faces of disgust followed by large pauses of awkwardness encircled our table. I mean for fuck sakes, are we really at that point in 2018 where a man can’t order the meal he wishes without being shamed for it. The night began to take a turn for the worse as what appeared to be a nice young lady made such an obscene outburst when ordering her food. “I’ll take a burger with a cauliflower bun.” What!? A fucking What!? I let out an outburst of my own as I belched across the restaurant “WHAT IN THE SWEET SHIT IS A CAULIFLOWER BUN!?” A repulsive mix of anger followed by confusion overtook me as I was unaware of what cauliflower even was. As she explained this unheard of vegetable to me, she proceeded to inform me of her carb free lifestyle while also insinuating I ought to change my diet. From Cauliflower pizza, fries, tater tots all the way to rice, this freak had a substitution for everything. It’s very rare I mutter the words but, I lost my fucking appetite listening to her repulsiveness. It was at this moment I came to the realization, I’m one of the last real ones. One of the last crusaders who wants his pizza made with the finest Italian dough, just like the good lord intended. Us last few outcasts are living in a world that loathes the carb eater. We may be few but what we lack for in numbers we make up in size. Literally we’re substantially larger than the carb free tribe of losers following the KETO diet. Our forefathers dating all the way back to caveman relished in the carb lifestyle to keep warm in the winter much like I do to outlast the brisk winters of Florida. Read a fucking history book, you might learn something. Jockeys, don’t turn a blind eye to the horrors society is heading too. Eat that extra piece of toast, don’t let those French fries lay to waste and every time you pass by cauliflower, do society a favor and piss on it. Join the movement, represent the cause because The Diet Starts Tomorrow.

The Beast

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