Diet Starts Tomorrow

Redemption Monday: Namaste Motherf*cker

It’s 6:58, with only two minutes to spare, I make it to the gym just in time. I’m coming off a long hard day of work, and after sitting at my desk all day, my back is killing me. I barely have enough time to change, but not enough time to pee, but doesn’t matter, how hard can this be. After all it is just stretching. I rush in to the classroom and get ready for my first ever yoga class.

Upon walking in, I realize I am the only male in the room. Am I a little surprised? Yes, but not as much as all the women in the room. Had I not been certain this was yoga class, I would have apologized and walked out as if I had accidentally walked into the girls bathroom again.

I walk over to the instructor to introduce myself “This is my first time, what do I do?”

“Namaste, welcome. Mats are in the closet. Grab one and pick a spot. Also, grab a block and a stretch band”

“Namaste, thank you”

I gather all the course materials and seat myself next to the oldest lady in the class. I’m here to stretch out that pain in my neck, not flirt and potentially have an embarrassing moment.

The teacher drops some soothing beats and says “lets begin”. Already I’m calm. I’m sitting indian style on the mat which I haven’t done since middle school. Per her instructions I stretch my neck to the left, then to the right, and oooh baby it feels good.

But then it gets tough. Most positions are just complex stretching poses. Positions I didn’t even know existed. Every direction from the teacher gets more confusing. I look around to see what everyone else is doing only to realize I’m the only one still standing there with my hands in the air. I finally decipher what I’m supposed to do. While I’m struggling to have my left hand touch my right foot while in warrior 1 pose, I look over and see one girl doing a one arm hand stand while doing a split. Yeah, I didn’t think the body could do that either.

We stretch to the left. Rib cracks

We stretch to the right, puncture a muscle

We’re supposed to stretch all the way down with our left hand while our right touches the sky, but I know if bend too far down I’m not getting back up, so I settle for a half lean on the knee.

All this stretching is making me have to pee more and more. Even worse, I feel a fart coming on. I think my chakra is too aligned, I decide to take it easy. Doesn’t help though. I’m sweating. I didn’t know our bodies were capable of such movements.

Finally the teacher whispers “ok class, lay back and close your eyes we will now enter Vinyasa”. I see the entire class lay flat on their back and put towels on their faces. “Oh so we’re sleeping now, ok”. I lay down, but I can’t sleep. I just lay their staring at the ceiling while my foot twitches trying to keep my mind off my full bladder.

About 5 minutes later she whispers “ok class now we can slowly open our eyes and sit up. Thank you for joining me today. Namaste.”

Despite the bladder issue, my first class wasn’t that bad. In fact, I was surprised to see that I was sore the next day. Yoga is actually a pretty decent work out. I’ve been back a few times since and it definitely helps with the pains you get in your back and neck from slouching over a desk all day. Don’t be embarrassed fellas, give it a shot. You might see some good results.

Namaste Motherf*ckers.

 

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Written by Silent Riot

Categories: Diet Starts Tomorrow

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