That’s it, I’ve endured long enough. I won’t let life nor women pass me by anymore. It’s time I take my life back. I am a sex machine and it’s about damn time the rest of the world knows.

Welcome to our newest sub section of Sexless in Seattle: No More Mr. Nice Guy.

That’s right children, nice guys finish last. No longer will I be naïve enough to trust my humor and genuine soul will lure women to bed. Buying girls dinner? Shit, that’s never worked for guys like us. Picking up her tab? Might as well take those 10 drinks you spent on her and drink them yourself, because this story ends with you home alone. Sub par looking guys like us can’t win a women’s heart over with personality alone, that’s the sad truth.  Does that mean we should just yield ourselves and hide from the female race all together? If you had to think about that answer, then you’re too far gone already and you should give up. For the rest of you, it’s simple. Adapt or die.

To make up lost ground for our modest looks, you have to highlight your attributes. I’m talking about, taking care of the things you can control: hygiene, hair (unless you’re bald- better luck next year,) clothing, facial hair, plastic surgery, manscaping, dental. Etc.

After reading our weekly reading, we’re going to turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror into a FrankenFine!

Up on the menu this week is manscaping. In this day in age, body hair is considered vile and revolting. Lets’ face it, the 80’s are gone and rocking a full grown broccoli bush is not the latest fad. Today, I swallowed my pride, called up the local European waxing center and booked myself a makeover. I’ll be frank, I was surprised at the low percentage of males waiting for appointments. I should be clear; I was the only male awaiting a wax. “We don’t get very many male appointments.” Yeah, well I bet you don’t hear about many guys suffocating under a pile of women either…. and after this wax of mine that’s my weekend plans.

The waiting room to be seen was pretty damn awkward but I had no idea how much more I would experience inside the room. Having some beautiful women rub hot wax on my upper torso while fighting back an erection was rather difficult. That was until she ripped the sticky wax off and pain like I never knew concealed my erection instantly. I felt like Steve Carrel in the 40-year-old virgin. Both the wax scene and virgin part were relatable.

After what felt like a skinning from Buffalo Bill it was time to pay the tab. $62.99 plus another $25 for the healing lotion I would need after. Healing lotion? What for?  With a quick glance at my chest, it appeared I had developed genital herpes or mild measles. Beauty is pain bitches. In the end, I think waxing was worth it. I’m smooth as a porpoise, shiny as the belt of Orion and hairless as a baby’s bottom. Unfortunately, they don’t offer the Brazilian wax for males, so stay tuned for my next article on the completion of manscaping with Nair. Here’s to us Gents, No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Dusty Cummings

Dusty Cummings