For Immediate Release
Charlotte, October 7, 2018: Local news stations have confirmed the spiraling rumors are in fact true. After the Giant’s late 4th quarter loss this past Sunday, a new owner emerged. After nailing a 63-yard field goal as time expired, Graham Gano has now taken sole ownership of the New York Giants. It was quite the day for Gano as he tied Tom Dempsey for the longest field goal kick in NFL history. The feat has only been done once in 1970, which came just 40 years after the great depression. Gano’s Panthers also move to a 3-1 putting them in second place in the division behind the New Orleans Drew Bree’s. The Giants move to a sluggish 1-4. After the game, Gano had much to say in terms of the victory. The following below is from Office Jockey news Reporter Girth Brooks as he was fresh on the scene following the win.
Reporter Girth: “What rushed through your mind as you lined up for the kick?”
Gano: “The only thing that was rushing was the blood to the tip of my penis because I knew I was going to fucking nail it. Shit, back in 92 at State, I could kick a football over them mountains. 63 yards? Childs play. It’s what I do. I kick the living shit out of the ball.
Reporter Girth: “Does this change anything going forward with the team?”
Gano: “Absolutely not. They know who the leader in the locker room is. Today doesn’t change that. I’m the leader. I’m the one who wins games. I put the team on my foot every day. There’s no question as who the leads this flock, it’s me.
Reporter Girth : “Now that you are the new owner of the Giants, what are you plans going forward.”
Gano: “Keep kicking the shit out of the ball for my cats. As far as owning my own NFL franchise, I have a few things in mind. For starters, I want to get reconstructive surgery for Eli’s mouth. If that beautiful QB can’t crack a dam smile, we’re not going to win very many games. Manning starts smiling and not looking like he’s constantly in concussion protocol, we’ll start winning some games. Football is fun, winning is fun, Manning’s face should also be fun to look at. I swear I get clinical depression every time he moves his mouth. ”
Reporter Girth: Thoughts on OBJ and his controversial comments towards Eli?
Gano: ” OBJ. Good player. Great hands. Better hair. Real talent that kid. Be that as it may, the fact of the matter is, we can’t have our players bad mouthing the corner-stone of my franchise. In Carolina, we don’t stand for that shit. Kelvin Benjamin said he didn’t like Cam’s post game interview attire, so we shipped him off to buffalo to rot with Josh Allen and company. This is a business and turmoil is bad for it. Once the reigns are officially mine, I will ask that OBJ publically apologizes to Eli, resend any comments and get’s matching mood rings with Ely to mend their broken relationship. If he does not, he will receive the Benjamin treatment and be traded to the Arizona Cardinals for Sam Bradford. Your move OBJ.”
Reporter Girth : “What are your plans to celebrate the win and most importantly, your new NFL record?”
Gano: “Well, for starters, I’m going to take my joy to twitter and get a shit ton of re-tweets. Then, my smoking hot wife and kids will be hitting up Charlotte’s finest, Chili’s! Endless chips and salsa’s? 2 for 1 all day every day!? I’m going to be blacked out. Coach already said I don’t have to come to practice tomorrow, so I’ll be getting drunk as a skunk. While my fellow teammates are bear crawling across the heated plains of Charlotte, I’ll be downing Corona’s with Romo. Kings stay kings mother f****ers!”
Disclaimer: This is a mock interview.