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It’s been one dam week and the NHL is doing their best already to fuck the Capitals. The scheduling for starters is absolute asinine. Back to back games to start then  Take a week off, followed up with Back to Back games after that? Honestly, what pipe smoking infant arranged that. The caps first five games: Boston, Pittsburg, Vegas, New Jersey and Toronto. All Stanley Cup playoff contenders. Throw us a soft ball why don’t ya Bettman!? To add on, top line Tommy is suspended for an extensive 20 game period. It’s safe to say the NHL is showing it’s true colors, Black and Gold: Pittsburg. I won’t get into the conspiracy theory I have in correlations to the dirty Penguins and the NHL, that’s for another day. Despite the NHL’s best efforts, the boys in red are off to an adequate start, 1-0-1.

The ceremony: After what was something I thought my mind would never attain, a Stanley Cup banner raising. Truly fucking beautiful. Peep the masterpiece below.

That 4 minute ceremony  was miles better than that 2 1/2 hour oscar nominated ” Shape of the Water”, I mean really what the fuck was that movie? A waste of time.

Anyways, Ovie and the boys wasted little time to insert their dominance as they shit pumped that barefaced rat Marchand and the Bruins 7-0. The following night, it was the vile Penguins. What an absolute fucking barn burner. A 7-6 OT heartbreaker.

After a hard week of analyzing, here’s some saber-metrics and early season predictions for you.

  • Goals scored over two games: 13. At this rate the caps will score 533 goals this season
  • Goals against: 7. Braden Holtby will get a shutout every other game while allowing 7 the following bring his .GAA to 3.47 per game and a total of 287 goals. However, he will have 41 shutouts.
  • Tom Wilson will likely be suspended again most likely for trying to take his skate off and cut the opposing team
  • Ovechkin will score 50 goals. He also will collect Thano’s infinity stones and wipe out half of the Metro division.
  • Brooks Orprik will suffer a 3 game injury tripping over Pierre McGuire’s nose as he skates by the press box.
  •  Mike Milbury and Jeromy Roenick will fight on live TV.

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Written by DGD