The unspeakable happened last night. SEX! To answer your next questions, Yes, you’re damn right I paid for it. Am I ashamed? Why don’t you ask Nicolas Cage if he’s ashamed every time he puts out a new film? Sure, it may be absolutely dreadful but he enjoys himself just like I did last night. This broad was selling the game of love and I played that game for a whole 2 minutes and 23 seconds. I’d like to think she enjoyed it but she made it clear to me that she did not. As this working women departed my house to venture on her next escapade which I only assume was to smoke some meth, I took a long hard look in the mirror. Deep and evident reflections of my obtuse body glared back at me. My pepperoni nipples and bloated belly seemed to frown back at me like they were disappointed in my decision last night. Every time I gazed into that mirror, I saw a broken and bloated man. This woman had swallowed up my heart and spit it back out, broken in two.

That’s when it hit me. We as men, are looking for love in all the wrong places. We shouldn’t be out howling, pestering and in some cases paying women to fulfill our empty appetites. Is this the materialistic world we now live in, where love is defined at how many women you sleep with? (2 if we’re playing the numbers game) You all should be ashamed of yourselves! Let me begin this unorganized memoir with, the beast did.

There is a real kind of love out there that never leaves or judges you. That love you may ask? Food. Show me a man who’s never had his heartbroken by a women and I will show you a liar. Food, that lovely lady, will never break your heart. In a word, food can provide the emptiness we as men seek in the same fashion a woman can but without all the heartache. Please, tell me that one time the box of pizza stared back at you with disappointment and disgust. It hasn’t. Show me that one time that chili dog said “you could use a little more exercise.” It never did. And before you even ask, read my That one time I should have before you claim, you can’t make love to food. You can.

You see, I am at what you may call an uncanny crossroad. To continue my pursuit of love through women? Or fuck it, live out the rest of my miserable days living it up at the all you can eat Lard bar. I’ve pondered this question for an extended period of time. You know that spark, that fire in the belly that motivates people to get up everyday? Well, that fire in my belly is my appetite and eating 5 square meals a day is what springs me out of bed every damn day.  Every time I eagerly stroll through the Cici’s pizza buffet line, I remind myself, this is more cost effective than wasting my money on countless gifts for a girlfriend. Gifts for which, would most likely end up in the back of her closet because I have no fucking idea what to buy females. I could exhaust your minds for days on this shit but for the sake of time, let me leave you with just one thought. I won’t dock you for loving your girlfriend or wife, but damnit, give your one true love, food, the respect it deserves. Keep eating hardy Office Jockeys, your soul will thank you.


The Beast