There are very few upsides to moving on from your beloved university and joining the rest of us miserable souls who’ve decided to inhabit this cruel lifestyle. Being thrown to the wolf pack of corporate America will bend you over and show you the 50 states, day in and day out. So long are the days where peeing your pants is deemed acceptable. So long is class optional and passing syphilis to your peers like a handwritten note is much different when they are co-workers. The word “fun” has been erased from your vocabulary. Be that as it may, one advantage of passing the 17th grade is not being trailer park boys broke.

With skyrocketing tuition rates fueled by severe dependency to alcohol and Aderall; the heart of the collegiate population is piss poor. It seems like only yesterday I was stealing the half ply toilet paper from the university bathroom because I couldn’t afford the CVS brand. If you’re poorer than poor like I was and those weekly 10-hour retail jobs at the local Baskin- Robbins isn’t cutting it, here are a few ways to keep funding your degenerate lifestyle.

  • Donate Plasma

For you uneducated hicks, Plasma is defined as the colorless fluid part of the blood, in which corpuscles or fat globules are suspended. This is like the “pineapple express” of blood- the rarest of the rare. Popular amongst drug addicts, donating plasma is a simple and effective way to turn those tenjamins into Benjamin’s. By simple, I mean some inexperienced intern violently pokes away at your arm wielding a needle. For four hours, performing what feels like a sacrificial ritual, the sacred juice is drained from your body. On the contrary, you do make $250 during your first visit- that’s upwards of $60 per hour; the hourly rate of a very shitty lawyer. Shit, my collegiate organization single handedly funded a social (I mean philanthropic) event one Friday as 60 of us poured into the hospital ready to cash out and bleed. Donate Fluids

Well, you’ve already donated one juice, next on the block, semen. Often linked to the cause of many surprise college pregnancies, the male ejaculate can actually do some good. by donating samples of your baby gravy, sperm banks will pay upwards of $1,000 per month, as long as your a frequent flyer and meet the below requirements. Below are my results when attempting to become a donor.

  • At least 5′11 tall- NO
  • Between 19 and 38 years old- Most days
  • Sexual partners are exclusively female- 0 sexual partners
  • Currently attending or have graduated from college- Failing Stats for the 3rd time
  • Are in good health- I don’t have AIDS but my cholesterol is high. My sodium intake is impressive.
  • Legally allowed to work in the US- I was let go of my PETCO job but yes. Sell Recreational drugs

When all else fails, this could be your fallback. Surely not the most ethical in the public’s eye nor legal by law enforcement; pumping the devil’s lettuce to the streets can make you a healthy living. After all, Patriots wide receiver Josh Gordon made it trickle with an estimated $10,000 a month while attending Baylor University. Now, its not all bananas and pajamas I imagine. You could be arrested and thrusted into the deep dark underground sex dungeon commonly known as American prisons.

On second thought, disregard this method and say NO to drugs. Live your life in such a way, it is a reflection of this song.

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Written by DGD