As I spent another weekend cooped up in the dungeon I call my living room staying forever sexless in Seattle, I began to indulge in some cinema. From mean girls to World War 2 documentaries, I was down the rabbit hole. 22 hours straight of rotting my eyes out, followed with heavy intoxication and peeing into beer bottles because mustering up the effort to walk to the bathroom seemed exhausting. Just when I was ready to call it quits, I stumbled across an intriguing film, Gone Girl. Now, I had never seen this movie but I did hear some rumblings a few years back. Being there was no vixen waiting for me in my chambers, I figured I’d indulge. Besides, beautiful Benjamin Affleck for 2 hours, sign me up. Fast forward 2 ½ hours later, my mind is blown and I am extremely aroused. What just happened?If you have yet to see this flick, I suggest you watch it and then cancel any plans of getting married afterwards. If you already bought the ring, burn the ring in the fires of Mordor. If you’re already married, it’s too late for you. For those of you who have not experienced the mind fuck that is Gone Girl, let me tell you first hand, this whole not getting laid thing might be a blessing in disguise.
Essentially, the movie centers around ben Affleck and his very attractive wife. Come to think of it, everyone in this damn movie is significantly more attractive than any of us, so prepare to have your tires deflated. Beautiful Ben’s hot wife goes missing which is the focal point of the plot. The general theme is, ben killed her. I know what you’re thinking, not our Ben! I’m right there with you, ben can do no wrong.
As the movie progresses, the plot begins to unfold, boy scout Ben has been having an affair with one of his students (he’s a teacher) who is significantly younger than him and also, a complete smoke show. Turns out, his wife had been following him and uncovered his dirty deeds. Instead of suggesting marriage counseling or say a divorce, she takes the rational route. Stages her kidnapping meticulously, stages her murder and frames her husband.
A nicolas Sparks novel for the ages. The movie unravels mainly centering on the search of his wife, the entire country hating ben for supposedly killing his wife and focuses on where his wife actually is. She ends up hiding out with one of her old crazy lovers from high school who happens to be Neil Patrick Harris (also more attractive than us) evidently, they had remained pen palls through all these years, one of the worlds lost forms of communications. Anyways, this guy is obsessed with her, like turn you into a lamp shade obsessed. He sets her up at his lake house which is completely secluded away from the world where no one can find her. If MTV Cribs was looking to make a resurgence, this house would get them back on the map.
While she is playing house with Neil, Ben is getting jail house gang banged by the media. His college lover went public that they were having an affair and all but Ben believes he killed his wife. As you watch the film, you can’t but help feel bad for ben. After all, you know he didn’t murder this pretentious women. SAD. Fast forward about 10 minutes and Amy is clearing scheming something up at the lake house while Neil is away at work, peep the video.
Some serious foreshadowing here. Neil gets home from a strenuous day, being the office jockey he is at the 9 to 5. He is greeted by a sensual Amy ready to pounce. His moment finally has come! His raging bolt! She instantly begins engaging in some naughty stuff. Sex Ed would call it, outercourse. I would call it something I’ve never experienced. Next comes the finale, the porking. About 13 second into the porking, you can see Amy’s plan unravel. Next thing you know, you see her pull a box cutter from a pillow. Amy what are you doing with that box cuter girl!!!!! For a brief moment I thought 50 shades free was coming forth to the screen. Then it happens, when Neil finally gets to have sex with his true love, she slits his throat. I don’t want to presume the now deceased Neil’s sex life prior to that night but I imagine he would have been a guest writer for our sexless in Seattle section. It doesn’t stop there. electing to Skip taking a shower, she decides it’s time to go home.
“She casually drives home to her husband Ben, tells everyone Neil kidnapped her, ravished her, tied her up and she escaped in self-defense. Ben seems happy. ” You fucking bitch” Can’t stop love! Guess what? the whole world buys it, except ben of course. After the movie ended, everyone I watched it with kept saying “ Poor Ben” or “ I can’t believe he had to go through all that.” Poor ben!? Poor fucking ben!???? Are you kidding me? Let’s recap here: Ben marries smoke show wife, Ben marries smoke show wife who is crazy rich, Ben has an affair with smoke show college girl, Ben still has affair with smoke show college girl while wife is missing, Ben gets accused of kidnapping/murder, Ben is acquitted of murder/kidnap, Ben’s smoke show wife comes home, Ben didn’t get throat slit by wife, Ben is free man with hot wife and most likely college girlfriend still. You know who things didn’t turn out too well for?? Neil Patrick Harris. For starters, he is heart-broken by this women. She marries another man, fakes her own kidnapping/death, calls him up years later, leads him on for days, finally has sex with him just so he can have his throat slit all while being blamed for kidnapping, rape and has his name desecrated to the world. As I watched this movie unfold, I thought if I were anyone in this flick, I’d be Neil Patrick harris. It would be just my luck the girl I fall for fakes her own kidnapping and by the time she finally decides she’ll have me, she kills me, most likely because the sex is so, so horrible. In conclusion, no, I don’t feel bad for ben Affleck, I feel bad for the character I relate to the most, the now deceased Neil.
Categories: Sexless In Seattle