Today I endured a suffering no one should ever have to endure. It was something that I’m sure no beautiful woman in the world has ever had to experience, but unfortunately a hardship ugly people probably struggle with everyday. Today I sneezed, and not a single person said “God Bless You.” I mean how pathetic do I have to be to not deserve three simple words. Sure, some people might not be religious and may feel uncomfortable saying “God”, but then that reduces it to only two words, which makes you even more of a jerk.

I guess I understand. People sneeze all the time, and even if you wanted to, you couldn’t bless them all. Plus, you’re not the pope, so you shouldn’t be handing out blessings left and right anyway. There are only so many blessings you can give out before they start to lose their meaning. But just imagine how you could make someone feel simply by saying “God Bless You”. Just a reassuring 3 words to say, “Hey, your heart just stopped for a slight second, but you’re going to be ok.” A quick gesture to say “Ya know, it was a little embarrassing the way your whole body just spasmed while you screamed, but don’t worry, we’ve all been there.” It was this reassurance I was waiting for, but it never came.

If you sneeze while in a room by yourself, then you certainly shouldn’t expect a “God Bless You”. If you do happen to receive one, then you probably have bigger problems to deal with, and might consider never going back in that room. (This begs the question: If a ghost blesses you after you sneeze, and you don’t say “thank you”, do you deserve the haunting and spiritual torture that follows?) The issue only arises when you are with one or more people, therefore triggering the douchebag effect (the more people who witness a situation, the less they feel like a douchebag for not getting involved, therefore making everyone look like a douchebag). When other people could say “God Bless You”, most feel less obligated to say it themselves, but assuredly look and feel good when they do.

This is assuming that these events transpired around a clean sneeze. Today I was able to pull off a quick sneeze protected by my forearm. Just a routine sneeze. Quick. Easy. Harmless. However, sometimes a sneeze is let out that might result in some embarrassment. There are those times when you might be feeling a little under the weather, and the slightest sneeze can end up looking like a Mucinex commercial. Hand covers mouth and nose barely in time to be bombarded with a wall of mucus. I mean there’s snot everywhere. You look around quick to find a napkin or tissue, but of course you can’t find one. You pray no one notices, but your hand has been on your face for quite a bit now, and with pure fear in your eyes, people can tell something’s going on. All you need to do is start screaming “Whyyyyy Whyyyy Whyyyyyyyyy!” and you could have a pretty decent scene from a horror movie. At this point, the last thing you need is a blessing, and to receive one would only inspire desperate pleas of help on your behalf.

Luckily, this was not the case for me. Instead I sneezed like a normal human being, and received no blessings for doing so. While I feel it should be socially acceptable to individually tell each person to go fuck themselves, I decided to brush it off and carry on with my day. I had no good deeds to pay forward for the day, because none had been forwarded on to me. Walking around with a chip on my shoulder, I made a vow that I would not bless anyone today who I saw sneeze. I was able to keep this promise, minus that one beautiful brunette who I thought would offer to make love with me if I threw a blessing her way. She didn’t.

The only thing worse than not saying “God Bless You” when someone sneezes, is not saying “thank you” when they bless you. In that case you deserve to be bitched slapped on the spot. But not receiving the “thank you” is a necessary risk to take, because everyone deserves to be blessed when they sneeze. This rule only applies to the first sneeze. If you decide you want to be greedy and sneeze more than once, then you can go bless yourself.



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Written by Silent Riot