Almost every damn day I find my self pondering that one questions all men do “that one time I should of.” In life, they say live to the fullest and have no regrets. For the most part, I never wallow in the things that could have been, its unbecoming. However, that one time I had the opportunity to fornicate with a porn star is still kicking me in the nuts to this day. Yeah, that’s right bitches, the beast almost had himself a delicious treat 5 years back. For the sake of this fine adult actress credibility, we’ll keep the name classified. After all, with the pending case between our prince Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels going on, you can never be too careful.

Anyways, it’s the year of 2013, a young beast finds himself perched up at a bar in San Diego. To be completely honest I don’t recall why I was in San Diego, 2013 was a long blurry dream that ended with zero sexual encounters. Be that as it may, tonight was my night to put the balls in the hole. So naturally, I got piss drunk by myself eagerly awaiting a prostitute to approach me. So there I sat on my high horse, a freshly 21-year-old lion ready to pounce at the first lurking antelope that sprung my way. This is where I first gazed at this magnificent mythical being. They say there’s moments in life where instincts take over. For instance, a mom lifting a car off a new born baby. Well, like an extra large box of pizza, fate awakened the beast and I mustered enough courage to approach her. All those negative thoughts that ran amuck in my mind such as “You’re way too fat” or “You look like Shrek’s brother” were put on hold.

During this magical moment on my way to see quite possibly my future bride to be, it dawned on me that she looked outlandishly familiar, far too familiar. Upon a closer inspection, I discovered this strong woman was one of my favorite adult actresses who I have had the pleasure of growing up with for years. Like the first time seeing the Grand Canyon, tears erupted from my eyes followed by semen from my trousers. What are the fucking chances? I’m here in San Diego trying to pick up a working women and I run into a professional who sells love as a lifestyle. Call it fate, call it a love stroked arrow from cupid but damnit, tonight is my night. It seemed only customary that I opened with “I’ve been a devoted fan of your work since the 6th grade.”

Me oh my, like a chubby kid in a candy store 5,000 miles away from home, I couldn’t keep my hands to myself. I don’t recall how the majority of the conversation went as I was so busy sucking in my gut, I almost fainted. All I know is, one way or another we ended up back in her hotel room. Hey, maybe she has a thing for guys with type 2 diabetes. Things began to escalate, she began to get into character, playing the dominate mother ready to discipline her step son.  This is it, my fucking moment, my raging bolt! She then firmly asked for me to take my shirt off. I elected to keep it on. Next came the smooches and let me tell you, we were smooching. “BAM BAM BAM” a violent knock from the door torments our sexual conquest. The disturbance was so abrupt I knocked my head on the dresser. Next thing I know, it’s 11 am, back in my room, cold naked and alone laying next to an extra large pepperoni pizza half eaten. It was all a dream. Evidently, the reality of my actual life is so fucking depressing, my own mind decided to take a trip to fantasy land where I spend the night with a porn-star instead of a pizza fucking pie. On my way to checkout, my concierge had the nerve to ask “Did you enjoy your stay?” Why yes Carol, I had sex with a pizza last night, how was your night? Moral of the story, when you black out at brunch, don’t feel bad if you attempt to have sex with pizza, its been done before.

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The Beast