It’s Monday. You’re in the one place you don’t want to be, your cubicle. You’re being called into meetings and asked to complete work that you have no desire to do. All you want right now is to go back to the day prior and crush beers while watching football. Now you start to daydream a bit and wonder what it would be like to live in the good old days where there were no such things as computers or cubicles. You go even further back to Medieval times, when people worked for what they needed to survive and that’s it. The rest of the time they just partied and tried not to die from the plague.

You dive even further into this fantasy and start to wonder what it would have been like to be king. As king, you never have to work because you’re already rich. You think to yourself “I’d totally be a great king.”

Wrong fucktard, you definitely wouldn’t have been a king. That position is reserved for people born into royalty, so you have neither the qualifications nor the experience for that role. Even if you did, being king is not all it’s cracked up to be. People are always trying to overthrow you and you’re constantly heading into battle. There’s 0 job security. If there’s any royalty reading this, then I apologize for the insult my liege. Hit me up queen E.

So if you can’t be king, then what job would you have? Sure I have things to do at work that is way more important than wondering what job I would have had in Medieval times and whether or not it would be better than my current job, but here we go:

  1. Blacksmith: Easily one of the best jobs you could have had back then. You’re a master of your own trade and you know what, blacksmiths give YOU the tools you need to succeed. As long as there is metal to be blacksmithed then you have a job. Easily the most stable career during that time.
  2. Jester: I know I wouldn’t be royalty, but I can be funny sometimes so I’d like to think that I would be a jester. People laugh at your expense so definitely not the most glamorous job, but you get to chill inside the castle. You know who else hangs out inside the castle? Inside the castle broads who get to use inside the castle baths. You also get to eat inside the castle food and where inside the castle clothes. Honestly, the pay isn’t great but the perks are, until you tell a bad joke.
  3. Archer: During this time, everyone was always fighting each other. Any time your king decided to go to war you had to go, you had no option. I’m sure most of you think you’d be on the front lines wielding a big sword, but you’d be a big dead. Archer is the best job in the military (back then, not so much now). The archer sits in the back and randomly shoots an arrow at a large crowd of people. If you miss, so what, no one’s keeping track of your record. If the front lines collapse, that’s ok, you’re all the way in the back, just sneak away.
  4. Priest: Priests were treated as royalty back then and totally lived the bad boy rockstar lifestyle. Picture Judas Priest but an actual priest. You can drink all the mead and sleep with all the wenches you can imagine, but you can’t commit because you’re already dedicated to the lord. The perfect set up.

Alright, it’s time to get back to work. If someone offers you a ride in a time machine, just remember to take your resume and remember to pick the career path that’s right for you.


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Written by Silent Riot