The flight attendant looks at me and says “Sir, are you prepared to operate the emergency exit in case of an emergency”

I look at the flight attendant and with a smile respond “of course”

Of course?

Are you kidding me?

I am the last person you want handling the only way out during an emergency. But I say yes anyway. Emergency row seating offers the most leg room for us poor people living in an economy seating world. For us, it’s the closest thing to first class we can get, so I’m sure as shit not going to give it up. Besides, I prefer aisle seats, which means there’s always two people between me and that huge door. If they can’t do it, well, I’m sure somebody can, but it won’t be me.

The whole “in case of an emergency” system on a plane is bullshit anyway. Doesn’t matter how many pre-flight videos you make me watch, I’ll never be prepared for an emergency. The first rule they always tell you is to remain calm. I have about 6 panic attacks a day, so if you tell me something is wrong with our plane 3000 feet in the sky, the last thing I’m gonna do is be calm. I’m going to cry. I’m going to shit myself. I’m going to make a move for that airplane food/booze you refuse to give out for free anymore (I’m old enough to remember the good old days where food on a plane was standard).

Then right after they tell you to remain calm, they dangle a face mask in front of your face and tell you to use it to breathe because the oxygen on the plane is no longer available. Panic level was at a 2, now we’re cruising at a steady level 5.

In case of a water landing, please pull the life jacket from under your seat, put it around your neck, and inflate. What? I can’t even open a bag of chips while calm, yet in a state of panic, I’m supposed to do all that?

The biggest bullshit of it all, is now airlines charge extra for sitting in the emergency exit row. It used to be a sacrifice us heroes made taking on that extra burden of the lives of everyone on the plane for the same price as a regular economy airline ticket. I guess the airlines caught on though and decided now they should charge extra for the extra leg room. Let’s be clear, if I’m paying extra to sit in economy, I don’t care if I’m in the emergency row, the rest of the plane better pick me up and carry me off the plane or throw rose pedals down for me to walk on in case of an emergency.

Am I prepared to handle the emergency exit in case of an emergency? Of course not. But I say yes to that responsibility anyway, because that’s what heroes do.


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Written by Silent Riot