Bee stings, unwarranted male groping and modern day Adam Sandler films: Three vexatious parts of life we could all do without. You know what else we could do without? Fucking running. Scratch that- all forms of cardio. I can’t speak first hand on the horrors of cardio as I do not indulge myself into such fascist matters but rumor has it, it’s downright appalling. Be that as it may, recently I took a spin class as my wife insisted. (Yes I have a wife and she’s fucking bananas too) I’m not even going to dive into the disturbance that was my experience during this cult of a class. Motivational hand clapping, dim lighting followed by thundering techno mixtapes meanwhile I’m gasping for air like some beluga drowning in the deep abyss. Of all the encounters I’ve had with that vile hobby known as cardio, this was the most atrocious. Leading us to the synopsis of this banter: Cardio is the worlds most lethal drug. Sure, Heroine, Meth, Jankum; those thing may kill you, but cardio is a certain death. Ask yourself, what species have retained the fountain of youth? The ones that move at a leisurely rate. Elephants, the Tortoise, whales, even fucking clams outlive the alpha race. The answer to mortality is right in front of our eyes; minimal to no movement. Shit, it takes the earth 365 days to complete one lap and she’s an ageless wonder. Open your eyes America, Cardio will age and murder you. In the words of Nancy Raegan, just say no to cardio.
Categories: Cubicle Chatter