I sleep with a night light. As a grown man, I shouldn’t have to, but due to recent events, sleeping with a night light has become a necessity. When I say “recent events”, I mean an occurrence so frightening that I may forever be traumatized.
The other night, I was sleeping peacefully like the little angel I am. Sheep were just running wild. How many? Not sure. I was too busy sleeping to count them. I was probably dreaming about doing something heroic, or having a massive orgy with the Victoria’s Secret models (two things that I would never do in real life). For some reason, these dreams were interrupted, and I was awoken to find something on my head. At first, I thought it was my pillow, but when I picked it up to move it, the object felt more like a wrist and a hand. Let me clarify. THERE WAS A FUCKING HAND ON MY HEAD.
Without hesitation, I threw the hand off my head and sent a serious roundhouse kick towards the direction I thought the hand came from (If landed, that kick could have knocked out any small woman or child, or severely stunned any grown adult). To follow up the kick, I let out a loud shriek, blindly threw two haymakers, and action rolled off my bed to where I hoped the light switch was on the wall. After molesting the wall, door, and some picture frames, I finally turn the lights on to find…Nothing. I was the only person in the room.
I found nothing in my room, but I know for a fact there was a hand on my head. This has led me to develop 3 theories as to what had occurred that night.
The “Paranormal Activity” Theory: My house is new so there’s no way it’s haunted, unless a worker died during construction, but it’s a one floor house so that’s your own fault. It could be some heavenly spirit coming down to touch my head and give me a super power, or a messenger from hell to say “Hey, see you soon.” Except for the superpower, I would prefer if none of these happened.
The “Ninja Pervert” Theory: It’s very possible that there was in fact a human in my room, that was somehow able to slip in while I was sleeping, and slip out while I was struggling to turn the lights on. I haven’t figured out how said ninja was able to do so, but then again, I’m not a ninja, so I may never figure it out. This theory is based on the key factor that I’m pretty good looking. Some neighborhood pervert could have followed me home with the intent of molesting my forehead while I slept. This has been the scariest theory by far to consider. It just keeps leading to the image of me sleeping so innocently, while some midget clown watches over me, rubbing my forehead with one hand, and rubbing himself with the other. Needless to say, I’m never going to the Circus again.
The “Probable Reality” Theory: There’s a very good chance that it was my own hand that was on my head. After everything settled down, I noticed that my arm was asleep. Like deep space coma asleep. My arm was completely numb. Taking this into account, it’s possible that my arm was so numb, that when I picked it up off my head, I couldn’t feel my own touch, therefore assuming that it was not my hand. However, it is nearly impossible to position my arm so that my right hand would come across the left side of my face. If that was in fact my sleeping position, then that would explain the numbness.
The pitch black darkness of my room that night made it impossible to see whose hand was on my forehead that night, and unfortunately, we may never know the answer to this mystery. So from now on, I refuse to sleep in the dark. I sleep with a night light.
Categories: Cubicle Chatter