Conspiracies

Meltdown Monday: Conspiracies, Canada, & Cryogenics

No, no, no, no, no. Don’t even think about it. For those not glued to Steelers blogs at all times, you’re missing out on some fantastic Yinzer comedy. Yet, Le’Veon Bell, who obviously has an abundance of spelling bee trophies, tweeted yet another cryptic message.

Okay…this ones not so cryptic, pretty straight forward but enough of the got damn tweeting already. This man falls off the face of the Earth and his only communication with anyone over the last 11 months are random tweets he’ll sporadically send out as if he’s the international man of mystery himself?! Well I know this isn’t the right section but here’s a bonus Conspiracy for you weirdos. Le’Veon Bell is frozen. That’s right I said it. He’s in a giant ice block right next to Ted Bundy and Austin fuckin’ powers.  Cryogenically Frozen, as my fellow intellects will say. This is absolutely the only conclusion anyone can draw from that tweet right? So where is he, you might ask? The only logical answer is the complete opposite end of the spectrum from Miami that no one would ever bother looking. That’s right, I’m talking about Canada. I’m pretty sure our brothers to the North don’t even know what football is, and now that hockey is back on you can forget about it. Those drunk Canucks are either too dumb (no offense, eh) or too polite to rat on Frozone himself and it is the perfect place for him to hide.

Now hear me out, Le’Veon disappears and no one has seen or heard from him since January. Sure, the occasional strip club and jet ski video have surfaced but those are from years ago and conveniently leaked as part of his strategy. The only real communication he has had in almost a year has been a series of tweets every few months. These tweets, which are typically just an emoji or some other weird shit, are tweeted approximately every 5 weeks and you can quote me on that. This is also part of the plan. He is clearing having his agent randomly tweeting something every so often just to convince everyone he’s still alive and not absolutely not frozen. All the meanwhile he is frozen, hiding in a giant Canadian igloo only to reappear in 7 years and fulfill his dream of being the highest paid running back.

Now I gotta give it to him, this absolutely accomplishes one of his goals of not injuring himself and  for the most part it’s an air tight plan. He was certain no one would ever suspect it and once he has himself thawed in exactly 72 months, he will have ample time to train for the 2025 season. Kudos Le’Veon ,the average humanite may not have uncovered your secrecy, but I sir, have. So, if need me I’ll be taking a flamethrower to all of Canada in hopes of thawing Le’Veon early, thus ruining his master plan.

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