I’d like to start this piece with stating that everything your about to read is ‘off the record’, which I’m not a lawyer (tho i do watch a shit ton of CSI Miami) but pretty sure means you can say whatever the bloody hell you want and not get in trouble.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to it – So, I’ve been having some thoughts lately, and while this seems fairly normal on the surface, these thoughts have been a bit different. Sure every once a while we can all get a little dark, but who are we kidding? Everyone has crazy thoughts its normal…at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself.

Does anyone actually know what goes on while you sleep? I know you’ve all heard of the horror stories of adults who pee the bed or do the occasional sleep trot to the fridge. This really got me thinking; if one can sleep walk and not realize it, what else is a sleepwalker capable of? Who’s to say a person can’t walk outside or get in a car and start driving while sleepwalking? Shit, what if a person is living a complete double life but their asleep the whole fucking time and have no idea?! Better yet, what if someone commits a crime while sleepwalking, are they liable? Say they steal gum from a gas station or murder a small village of orphans but they aren’t awake and don’t remember it, will that uphold in a court of law?

So if your anything like me, which chances are you’re not, I’m panicked. I know how much a mess i am while i’m awake, let alone how off the wall my dreams are, what if i’m a sleep murderer? you’re telling me I could be James fuckin’ Bond or even worse the Scranton Strangler and i would have not a clue in the world because i’m sleepwalking?? Stay with me – they also say never to wake a sleepwalker so there could be people out there witnessing me murder others and just letting me do it because they can’t break the number one golden rule of not walking a gawt damn sleepwalker!

Hopefully, i’ve succeeded in raising your anxiety and make you wanna lock your doors from the outside so your sleepwalker self can’t escape and go on a killing binge all while you thought you were catching some Z’s. Now if you’ll excuse me i need to find a lawyer and buy some more bleach.

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Jonner Cones