When flying on a plane, I always make sure to book the aisle seat. You never know what kind of whacko you’ll be seated next to so it’s nice to have the option to lean into the aisle away from the weirdo who chose the middle the seat. Honestly, in most cases, the risk of being hit by the beverage cart and every person going to the bathroom is way better than bumpin’ elbows and rubbing shoulders with the person next to me. On my most recent flight, this argument was provided all the supporting evidence I needed.

While waiting to take off, the flight attendant stood up and gave the whole spiel about what to do during an emergency. You know the part no one ever really pays attention to because deep down we all know that if this behemoth goes down, blowing a bubble around our neck won’t do anything to save us. At least that’s what I thought. The guy sitting next to me had a different opinion.

He waves the flight attendant down as he’s frantically patting the bottom of his chair. “Excuse me, I can’t find my vest.”

I laugh, I thought he was joking. He was not.

“Sir, I can assure you there’s a vest under your seat” the flight attendant says with a smile that reads “I don’t have time for this”

“No, I’ve had friends steal vests off their flights before so I always check and I AM NOT FEELING a vest.” There’s definitely a look of fear on his face.

Afraid that this might escalate and possible cause a delay in the flight, everyone surrounding him starts offering their vests.

“You can just have mine” I say

The guy in the window seat, “yeah just take mine”

The guy in the row behind us “I won’t need it”

We were offering our vests up like some suicide squad hoping the plane would go down. The mother in front of us with her crying baby even shouted “I have two kids, take one of theirs.” I was a little shocked by that one, this lady just straight up volunteered for a Sophie’s Choice predicament.

The Flight attendant decided to put this to rest. He laid flat down in the aisle and looked up at his seat. Stood up and said “Yes sir, it’s there, all the way to the left.”

As he is walking away, the middle guy says “I still don’t feel it but I guess I’ll take your word for it.”

Shortly after take off, the middle man decided to drop something under his seat. Not sure what it was but clearly it was important because he wouldn’t stop trying to reach for it. He even tried turning completely around in his seat to reach whatever it is fell. Worried that he would knock everything on my tray into my lap, I offer to stand and let him search. He laid flat down and comes back up with some DayQuil capsules. Oh goody, he’s sick too.

He thanks me, smiles and says “I found the vest while I was down there.”

Deep down I want to clap the same way non experienced flyers clap when the pilots do their job and land the plane safely, but I hate those people, so I settle for a smile and a “Crisis Averted”.  Now let’s hope he doesn’t try testing his emergency oxygen mask.


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Written by Silent Riot