I’m not a fighter. I’d love to tell you that I’m a lover not a fighter, but my game is weak in the love department as well. I’ve had some coworkers that I just wanted to shake the shit out of, but never really ever had the urge to fight anyone. Here’s why:

  1. My Face: Let’s face it, my face is already struggling as it is, the last thing I need is some dude rearranging all the necessary parts like I’m some type of Mr. Potato head. Best case scenario, my opponent knocks my face from a 5 to a 7. Worst case scenario, I look like some fight club reject.Hey You Guys
  2. Quick Knockout: Sure I understand how to fight. I’ve seen enough boxing movies to know that we’re gonna pace ourselves to tire him out. Head, Bohdy. Head, Bohdy. But I’ve never been in a fight, so what if my chin isn’t has ironclad as I thought. What if this dude just knocks me the fuck out with one shot. That’s terrible for my street cred. I never had one but I never will after this.
  3. Action Jackson: I’ve seen way too many action movies to be in a fight. If I somehow did manage to get the upper hand in a fight, I might say something I think I’m expected to say like, “Where is she” or “Who sent you?” Chances are it’s just a bar fight and not some hit job from the mob, but you never know. Gotta ask to be sure though, right?
  4. Bounce House: I’ve never witnessed a fight at a bar that didn’t end with everyone involved getting kicked out. The bouncers don’t care if the fight carries on outside, they just don’t want you messing up their joint. Getting kicked out is great if you didn’t pay your tab just yet, but drinking is the funnest part of going out, and you can’t do that if you’re outside the bar.


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Silent Riot