Gather around for a gym story, yet this is no ordinary gym story of douchey meat heads getting territorial over their benches. Nor douchey smoothie bartenders that believe they are licensed to tend real bar but are just glorified Starbucks barista’s. Nay, this is a tale about how me, myself, a man, who straight up fucked around and got out of his year-long contract with a certain Fitness Gym that is very “Retro.”

When i signed up for this year-long $20  month con, I knew I couldn’t back out. I was aware what I was in for and I didn’t care because I was hopping on the gain train! I was gonna look like Jean Claude Vann Damme! Fast forward 60 days and my appearances at the gym was a lot my sex life. Lacking consistency and when I did show up, my performance was underwhelming. Also, I was waking up every morning and frying my handful of brain cells hitting tobacco bowls. I was in my bag and I was not leaving, not for the gym, not for social interaction, not for even sex (there’s a Starbucks by my house where I watch porn at…. article coming soon) And then it hit me…. not an idea but I rediscovered “The Soprano’s” and started bingeing. A season and half into the Soprano’s I knew what had to be done. My time at the gym was done! Their time of control was done!


Although I inked a year contract with that Gym, which I don’t want to name in the event they decide to take legal action against me. My alliance was with Tony Soprano, Adrianna’s tits and slutty 90’s tracksuits….. there was no going back to the gym. Only thing I could do was hit my bong , watch sopranos and forget about the 20 dollars a month being extracted from my bank account.

*Fast forward to Friday November 16 2018*

A strange number calls my cell phone. Like any normal American in 2018, I silence my phone, put It face down and forget about the possible debt collectors calling. 2 hours go by, another call. Same number, so of course I silence my phone and forget about it but this time, a voicemail notification pops up.

“Hi Liam this Trish with ______ Fitness. we’ve notice a problem with you credit card on file so please contact us so we can fix this problem and begin billing you monthly again”

I stare long and hard at myself in my bathroom before It all settles in.


You see, I signed up for the gym but I used a temporary debit card that was only active for 60 days. So, the gym was only able to charge me for 2 months or the 60 days It was active . Instead of paying $240 for 12 months of guilt and blowing off the gym, I paid 40 bucks to do It for 2 months. AND that’s not even including the free 5 dollar protein shakes I got with coupons!!! I had 3 that knocks the 40 bucks down to 25 for 2 months!

Just mark It up to me playing chess while these other bozos are playing checkers.

I’ve worked out scarcely for 2 months, I’ve had 15 dollars worth of free protein shakes, and I’m still under achieving in the sex department. I’m in the best god damn shape of my life. But seriously leave a comment in the comment section if i should be worried from a financial and legal standpoint

This is how Dan Blizerian Must feel everyday.