A few months back I matched with a girl on tinder. According to her profile she was a yoga instructor. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. That means she’s flexible, which is something I need in a woman for 30 seconds of missionary. I digress.

We meet up at a local bar and immediately we hit it off. She was easy to talk to and actually very interesting. I was shocked at most of the things she’d already accomplished. For starters, she was not just any yoga instructor. She went all the way to India to train with one of the world’s top yoga master.

She also talked about her kick ass job as marketing director for a big cigar company. I was a little shocked considering she was only 22 and jobs like that aren’t exactly easy to get without experience. But it’s not impossible.

Another interesting fact, she helped design the layout of a restaurant in Las Vegas. When I asked how she got a job doing that considering she had no training in design or the food industry, she said she was there visiting and some guy offered her the job. I begin to have my doubts. Las Vegas isn’t the type of place to just hire some rando to design their top of the line restaurant, so it’s not likely you just coincidentally got the job. Anything’s possible though?

With every story she tells, I become more giddy. To think she has all these accomplishments and she’s on a date with me?! How did I get so lucky?! At this point I’m definitely blushing.

I ask her about her scar on her hand. She says she recently broke her hand getting into a fight with her ex boyfriend. She goes on to say that this led to her being arrested because apparently when the boyfriend beats you they arrest the girl to protect her, and since she was arrested on a Friday she had to stay in jail for two weeks. I’m not a lawyer but I have seen enough law and order to know that they don’t arrest people to protect them. I now know that the hot sensation in my face is not me blushing, it’s heat from the wool she’s trying to pull over my eyes. I don’t run away just yet. I’m interested to see how far she takes these lies.

As we’re leaving the bar, she turns to me and says “I got you this” and pulls out a glass she stole from the bar. It was the sweetest gift I’d ever gotten on a first date. It was at that moment I decided I wanted a second date. Sure the  lying and stealing were major red flags, but if it was going to result in showering me with gifts then it was something I was willing to overlook.

After the date was done, I dropped her off at her place that she told me she owned, or at least I hope it was her place and I wasn’t an accessory to some crime. Anyway, I never heard from her again, but I have a gut feeling she’s in a safer place now, and by that I mean jail.

 

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Silent Riot