Sexless In Seattle

The Stinky Bandit

Now, before we get started, I know there are some people who’s cultures frown upon the use of deodorant or some people who for whatever reason have just decided against ever wearing deodorant. This article isn’t about you. This is for all the people who wear deodorant but just “forgot” to put it on. This is for all the people who “forget” on a regular basis.

I forgot to wear deodorant the first day of high school. Luckily it wasn’t a very physical activity for me, but by the end of the day, I was starting to get a little ripe. That was big day for me. It was the first time I was meeting people I would end up spending the next four years with so this first impression would mean a lot. No one said anything but that first impression was ruined with semi stank pits. Maybe I’m just being a little hard on myself, but I learned an important lesson that day, and never forgot to wear deodorant again. Ever since, I’ve made deodorant part of my daily routine. I leave the deodorant stick in my bathroom next to the sink, so as soon as I get out of the shower, I know to apply. I’ve made it pretty simple actually so there should never really be any reason to forget.

Luckily for me, I have been on dates with women who did not have the same routine in their life. One in particular I dated for maybe 2 months. The first few dates she wore deodorant like a normal person. Then after a few dates she started her amnesia spells. There were several dates in a row that she simply said “ugh I forgot to put on deodorant again”. At first I said it was fine, but by the 7th date all I could respond was “but how?” Listen, I don’t care if you smell a little and just chose not to wear it. I honestly don’t mind if you did apply and it faded. My problem here is that you “forgot”. If this was a part of your daily hygiene and you forgot, what else are you forgetting? Did you forget to wipe your ass today? Is brushing your teeth optional?

We reached the peak of this stank mountain the day we went to Disney. It’s the middle of January in Florida which means it’s sweltering hot. If you know you’re going to Disney to walk around all day in the hot sun and know you’re going to sweat a lot, wouldn’t you want to make sure you’re properly prepared and dressed for the occasion? Not my gal. Guess what she forgot. By the end of the day she wreaked of body odor. I asked her to keep her hands up on one of the rides and tipped the attendant to send us on a few laps so she could air out her pits, but they had to shut the ride down until they found the source of a mystery smell. Ok, that didn’t really happen, but it was bad. I didn’t really notice the full extent until later in the day when we were waiting in line. People in line were starting to notice, but they kept staring at the Middle Eastern man standing behind us as if it was his fault. I felt so bad. We made eye contact and I nodded at him to let him know that I knew it wasn’t him. It was my date that ruined everyone’s trip to Disney. It was the stinky bandit’s fault.

 

image5

Dusty Cummings

Categories: Sexless In Seattle

Leave a Reply