Each and every year, people believe that in the matter of one single day, they can change their lives forever. Maybe you want to travel more. Maybe you’re looking to find love. Maybe, you just want to keep punching your liver in the balls each weekend. Universally, science proves the most lucrative incentive going into the new year is to lose weight and join the gym. Look, I wouldn’t describe myself as a pessimist. I wouldn’t describe myself as a realist either. I’m really more of a dumb ass. Be that as it may, I can almost guarantee the majority of you “fitness enthusiasts” or “KETO” cult followers will falter in your “New year, New You” goals.


For many, January 1st sparks a new beginning, nay a new life. You may have gotten intoxicated to the point of pissing your pants on December 31st, but that’s the old you. It’s 2019, bitches, and your cholesterol soul has evolved into a kettle bell and all you now eat is MCT oil with a side of kale.

However, expectations vs reality is a real thing. Spoiler alert: You’re not going to succeed your fitness goals. Give up and give up now. Don’t waste your precious time. Life is short, fitness sucks, and cheeseburgers are the f*****g truth.

Day 1

Jan 1 marks the day of a new journey. Like Christopher Columbus sailing the seven f****ng seas to find new land, you as well are embarking on a journey. Kale, Keto and Kettle bells. Starting 2019, that is all you will scream as you flip an oversized tire while paying $147 a month for a Crossfit gym. Except, kale, Keto and kettle bells doesn’t start on January 1st. No, no no, Ms. Daisy. Your new year, new you will have to be put on pause come the 1st. Want to know why? You’re hungover as shit. Sure, you may have just drank Tito’s mixed with water and oxygen, however when you drink 12 and engulf a pizza at 2 a.m., your so called “health” went out the window, Becky. I’m no scientist but working out the day after new years eve is essentially impossible. Look, that whole Diet Starts Tomorrow we preach, it’ couldn’t be more evident on the 1st. Odds are, you’re going to drink your hangover and eat another box of pizza, alone.

The Gym Membership

According to our analysts, between January 1st and the 7th, gyms will see an uptick of 150% in memberships. Our analysts are also drunken degenerates, therefore, that statistic couldn’t be anymore false. That being said, January is the most fruitful time for gyms as hundreds of people flock to the treadmill like flies on poop. Before I go any further, good for you on wanting to make change in your life. Becoming healthier, fitter and tighter. If you can keep to your new year’s goals, all the more power to you. However, I know this all to well, for I used to be you.

Every year I’d proclaim that this is my year, the year I become fit, I eat nails for breakfast and suffocate under piles of woman on the weekend. I’ve said this for the past 8 years, and come March, the scale tips forward and so does my belt size. Working a full time job just doesn’t allocate the time to become fit. The time you do have away from the office, you’re drinking away the daily stress and bullshit you deal with. Come March, 75% of those new found fitness ambassadors will relapse to their old ways. The gym will restore balance once more, where only beautiful and fit gym rats inhabit it. Meanwhile us average joes will rightfully take our rightful place at the barstool, where we truly belong.

The Diet

Well, you’re already off to a bad start. January 1, you were hungover, tired and ate a pizza alone. I’ve got dreadful news for you. That little thing we call work will get in the way of your KETO diet. Regardless of that proclaimed gluten free menu, the Applebee’s work happy hour doesn’t serve MCT oil with that long island iced tea. Pizza Hut doesn’t offer cauliflower crusted pizza. You will become busy…You will become tired, and if you truly stick to that diet, you will become f****ng hungry. Just give into what your stomach truly desires. In todays modern society, there is just too much unhealthy food not to indulge. It’s like cigarettes. For 30 years, people knew smoking kills you but yet, people will spend their last dime on a pack. Why? Because they’re awesome. Doctors have warned people for decades that eating cheeseburgers will kill you, yet the McDonalds drive thru is at an all time high. Why? Because they’re awesome. Take a bite of that forbidden fruit, it tastes miles better than that cauliflower encrusted cucumber.

Your new year resolution may start today but remember, the Diet Starts Tomorrow.


Written by DGD