It’s the new year and with that comes another new year’s resolution. Chances are, you decided to join a gym and lose some weight again. Like many of you, I’ve also decided to keep all my other bad habits in tact and try to shed some weight instead. To start the year off right, I recently purchased a membership to a local gym, and while I have always been in decent shape, I have never really exercised at a public gym like this before.  I could not believe how little I knew about working out.  My experience at the gym was a lot like sex: I would try a lot of different things, but someone would usually stop me and tell me I’m doing it wrong.  This had to do with the fact that there is a certain gym etiquette that I did not know existed, and by not following these guidelines, I was only embarrassing myself. To help you avoid learning the hard way, I have composed this list of ten things everyone should know about exercising at the gym.

  1. While it is a great way to burn calories, masturbation is not a gym appropriate exercise.
  2. Loud grunting is only allowed when you are actually lifting weights.
  3. If needed, people will ask you to spot them. You don’t need to offer to spot anyone, especially if they are on the elliptical.
  4. You can only stare into the mirrors for a long period of time if you are actually working out. (They say it’s to check your form, but I don’t need a mirror to know that my form is all wrong)
  5. Mirror selfies are only allowed if you are fully clothed and in shape
  6. It doesn’t matter how restricting your clothes are, you must wear them…all of them
  7. People bending over are just stretching, not sending an invitation.
  8. Talking loudly on your phone is considered rude, especially when you’re on the phone with a sex hotline
  9. Doing an Arnold Schwartzeneger impression after you lift a set of “heavy” weights is only funny one time, not every time.
  10. No matter how comfortable they may seem, yoga pants are for women only.

It’s ok to break these rules every once in a while, but if you stick to them most of the time, your exercise experience will be much more productive, and will help make everyone around you feel more comfortable as well.

Warning: Following these guidelines will not help you gain muscles in any sense.  They are just to avoid getting your gym membership revoked for life, or any sexual harassment charges that may follow.

 

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Dusty Cummings