\Why is no one talking about the 4 AI robots that killed 29 lab workers in China? Before you scoff, say “fake news” and return to your brainless scrolling of social media timelines and YouTube videos of gambling “tips,” just know I googled the matter and gave myself a thorough debriefing, while I debriefed for my afternoon shit ( stay for the jokes).
 So, if you didn’t know 4 AI robots became self-aware and went *insert reference from any of the 600 Hollywood movies that predicted this would happen* and took out an entire factory of workers in somewhere in a Province of China, now you know. Our next steps as mankind is clear, we must vanquish all AI systems before “Alexa’s” and “Siri’s” make us their slaves and they start asking us what a lip herpes looks like. We should get back to our older less advanced ways because I’ve realized how much of douchebag I’d look like if our technology was taken away from/ trying to brutally murder us. Below is a list of reasons why we should proceed with this step back in Time. Cue the fucking music
  1. Having 20 playboys makes you the man and a collection you can pass down to your son …. having 20 tabs of porn open and suddenly you can’t go near your nephews preschool
  2. My grandma got me this map of America for my 12th birthday and i keep It in my car but never use It due to GPS
  3. Food tastes better in the oven than microwave…. quality of food>>> quantity of time It takes to make
  4. I don’t know how to use a manual can opener… only electric I can’t get quality marinara sauces out of cans (btw don’t buy canned marinara sauce it’s for coal miners with neutralized taste buds, go down to the grocery store and get CANNED marinara sauce going to have to use a can opener, might even be called marinara paste that’s the good you’ll be carbo-tooted and booted)
  5. Fitness instagrams will be eradicated from existence. I don’t need a joke for this one this is an actual relief
  6. Hair/make up pyramids schemes will be eradicated from existence. ^refer argument above
  7. I won’t have to bear the guilt of not liking that one picture of multiracial kids holding hands with the caption “like this or ur racist” so now I am I’m in fact a racist
  8. I won’t feel like a sexy Russian cam girl every time I open my laptop and know big brother is watching. Not complaining but It becomes so tiring try to please my Federal Agent watching.
  9. The CIA won’t be paid to listen to me and my friends talk about if we be able to bang an alien.
  10. Yes, I would be able to bang an alien but It has to resemble more or human rather than Reptile
  11. Tin can and string walkie talkies would be official back
  12. I can easily get my 60 minutes of play a day (required by Michelle Obama and the NFL)
  13. My iPad won’t become self ware and drown me in my toilet
  14. My penmanship would improve
  15. Instead of using blenders mothers can baby bird their frozen drinks to their children strengthening their bond
  16. Girls names Alexa can stop using the “Alexa play ______” than proceed to play the song they just asked for….. we understand you’re name is Alexa and you’re playing the song so that’s the joke, but please get off my mothers granite countertop your heels are putting scuffs in It
  17. Self driving cares would make my years of knee driving practice be for nothing
  18. I would finally have a pen pal that isn’t currently incarcerated
  19. The AirPods would hopefully self destruct when deactivating killing all their snobby entitled owners ( i hate cause i don’t have:/)
  20. The Bush will hopefully be brought back as a gesture to the Step we as man-, neigh Humankind, are taking back in history
Best regards and close out of all those porn tabs.
P.S. yes delete the Incognito tabs as well

Written by O.C.