Sexless In Seattle

Wrong Number

It was just a normal Saturday. I was waking up late with a hangover and working up the strength to be productive. Then all of a sudden I receive a text from a number not registered in my phone.

Wrong Number 1

Talk about a pick me up. That hangover is suddenly replaced with flattery. She’s obviously really excited to see this person and it appears their relationship is pretty sexual. Sure I can understand her sexual feelings towards me, but I have no idea who this is and haven’t spoken to anyone new like this lately. There was that lady on the American Express hotline who I thought might be in to me the way she said my payments were overdue, but I don’t think that can be classified as “sexual”. Also, I’m currently in a relationship, so I assume it’s a trap set up to test my loyalty. I don’t need the trouble, so I try to shut things down immediately, but I’m still a little curious.

Wrong Number 2

There, that ought to do it. I even spoke in a language even she could understand.

Wrong Number 3

Damnit, she’s good. Now I’m really intrigued. I haven’t been on tinder in a while, but i’ve handed out my number to multiple girls in the past. Is it possible this is one who just decided to finally text me years later? When she said tinder, it sounded real, but I’ve also had my share of encounters with tinder bots. I thought this was another one of those bots, but my number is actually a New York number and she reacted to my body pic with “I Like!”. That’s not a staged response, that was a genuine honest response. Still don’t want the trouble, so try to end the conversation.

Wrong Number 4

The truth always comes out eventually. The details of the conversation no longer matter. Doesn’t matter how short my response is or what language I’m speaking, the response will always be the same. This is a tinder bot. I just go along with the motions now until I get that verification (meaning the link to that webcam site).

Wrong Number 5

 

It was lunch time and I was hungry. Sue me.

Wrong Number 6

Listen, I’m still flattered but still hungry. You’d have a better chance of luring me in with food than boobs at this point. I also notice the classic “this isn’t my phone so I gotta go bit”. Not sure why none of these robots can afford their own phones but we’re in the home stretch now. We should be getting a link any second now.

Wrong Number 8

 

There it is! The moment we’ve all been waiting for folks! Phones today are pretty sophisticated and have all the technology we need to video chat, but let’s hop on another device so we can see each other through your crappy webcam.  I wonder how many people actually fall for this bit. Am I really supposed to believe that some girl who texted me by mistake really wants to use me to get over her ex? The most unbelievable part of this conversation is not her unwarranted lust for me, it’s the fact that she responded within seconds of every message. Humans don’t do that.

Wrong Number 9

Nothing about this conversation points to shy. That other guy is no longer in the picture so this could have been our love story. She no longer has her phone though which means this love story is over.

Wrong Number 10

If Jenn was in fact a real person, I hope she finds whatever it is she is looking for on the other end of that webcam. For the rest of us, this poses a huge problem. Tinderbots were an operational hazard that came with the Tinder territory, so I was well equipped to handle that intrusion. But these bots have since evolved. They’re now reaching out to our personal numbers outside the app. What’s next? Our work emails? Our homes? Our Amazon shipping boxes? Looks like the war against the machines has begun, but beware. These machines don’t look like what we saw in the Terminator or Mark Zuckerberg. They come in the form of a lonely single and a wrong number.

 

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Silent Riot

 

 

 

Categories: Sexless In Seattle

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