Anyone who knows me, knows I love to poop. It is the closet thing to an orgasm I’ll ever get. I spend a minimum of an hour at work doing my diligence. Check out my deuces for dollars to see how much you get paid per year to poop. Although My love for using the bathroom is divine, doesn’t mean I haven’t had some shitty experiences. (no pun intended.) Some places and settings, just aren’t poop appropriate. Read below the 5 shittiest places to lay some wolf bait.
1. The Airport
Good god, with the exception of the bar, the airport is a living hell. For starters, I hate people and evidently they are always running a black Friday sale as the place is a f****ng zoo. Every time I fly, the same thing happens, right when I get to the airport my obtuse belly begins churning. If you’ve never experienced the catastrophy that is pooping in the airport stall allow me to paint you a picture. The stalls are always full, rain or shine, those f****rs are occupied. As you do the walk of shame into the stall you begin to get nervous. There is a line of people crammed behind you awaiting to shit their brains out as well. The seat is always warm from the guy that just exploded before you. There is never a fan, so all you literally hear is “PLOP.” The disgusting sound of poop hitting the water. The toilet paper is always half ply so rectal bleeding is a guarantee. By the time you’re done, your ass is on fire and you’re drenched in sweat. Pooping in the airport get’s a 5/10 on my poop rating.
An appropriate follow-up from my last segment. I can’t think of a worse scenario than pooping 30,000 feet, sky-high. If you thought the airport was bad, you can’t even fathom what the walk of shame to the plane shitter is. Just imagine, sitting window seat, having to ask your seat partners to get up, sashay your way to the back of the plane. If the toilet seat were a shirt size, it’d be an extra small. I have the gluteus of a chubby Kardashian so maybe 1/5 of my ass is actually on the seat. By the time you’re done, once again, your sweating and there is a line of 5 people waiting to use it. The whole way back you just know people are thinking, “damn, that kid was in there a long time. He definitely took a shit. What a dork.” You seat partners know for sure you just pooped and the rest of the airplane essentially hates you. This gets a
Using a port potty in general is a nightmare but using a crowded, heavily used one at 11 am in preparation of Cam Newton throwing your season away is like drinking Chlorine. You’re literally pooping on top of everyone else’s waste. It smells like shit because there is literally shit sitting in the bottomless hole that is a port potty. Pooping here absolutely stinks (no pun intended) A toilet Charlotte toilet fueled by Bo jangles, bud light and defeat. 3/10 4. The Keys Bar and Grille (College bar) It’s the year 2016, I’m in the heat of a thirsty Thursday. Place is as crowded as China and I am feeling myself. As I dance my low self-esteem and G.P.A. away, it hits me. I have to poop. Shit, shit, shit shit, it’s only 10:15, I can’t go home yet! I know, I will leave the bar, run to target and blow up their bathroom. Bouncer: “You leave; you’re never coming back!” me: “But I HAVE TO POOP!” I now have a decision to make, do I Uber home or try to poop in the slimiest of bars. I am determined to make something of myself tonight. I’m pooping here. The line is a fucking Congo line, 20-minute wait. The bathroom stall at this place is not used for pooping. Everyone that goes in there typically snorts things. You can do the math. I finally get in there, the toilet is all pissed on, there’s powder residue everywhere. It’s a scene from Narcos. Everyone’s knocking on the door “hurry up” or “stop doing coke in bathroom” I’m not, I’m actually using the stall for what is designed for. The walk of shame in a crowded bathroom bar is the worst. Everyone starts booing as I walk out. My night was ruined.
5. A girls House
I can’t really attest to this as I am sexless in Seattle but I can only imagine the horror this is. Imagine trying to hook up with the fairer sex (yeah, I just assumed genders) and your stomach starts churning. You know damn well she can hear but is too polite to say anything. What do you do? Do you bolt? Then you look like an asshole. Do you stay and fight the urge? What if you poop your pants? Your chances of getting lucky in Kentucky are out the window, unless she’s into the human centipede which if so, you need to bolt. Finally, you ask the courage to use the bathroom? What if she doesn’t have a fan? What if she’s out of toilet paper? Do I run the shower? Do I poop and just climb out of her bathroom window to hide my utter shame? Or do you just say “Look honey, we are both adults. I need to poop.” Maybe she appreciates your honesty, maybe she doesn’t. this is a lose, lose situation every time.