I’ve got a bone to pick, and by bone I mean claw. By now, I’m sure most of you have either heard or blacked out on the new “healthy” drinking solution that is: White Claw. Now me, an intellectual with actual taste buds, knew that from the start this had to be way too good to be true. This new cocktail, and I use that term lightly, allegedly will get you drunk faster than your average light beer, and you can be healthy while doing it. Of course every borderline-alcoholic-weekend-warrior who hates their job is going to come running. So I got in line. It solves the age-old debate over being fun or being healthy; because you absolutely cant have both. I don’t know any fun people who are healthy and I also don’t know any healthy people at all, so scientifically this is an ironclad fact. Why not give White Claw a try you might ask? If you really can get drunk fast and cut the calories…because it tastes like your foot falling asleep or listening to static radio. Yes, I stole that from twitter, but it couldn’t be more accurate. White Claw is basically a can of pop that you left open in your fridge for 2 weeks, with 5% alcohol.
It wasn’t until recently, however, that I was able to uncover the truth. The truth that whiteclaw and all the kool-aid drinkers don’t want you to know. It was at this very moment that my conspiracy senses started tingling, or maybe that was the aftertaste of shot gunning a whiteclaw…either way.
A 12 oz can of Miller Lite has less calories than 12 ounces of whiteclaw. But, the naysayers will be quick to point out that whiteclaw has more alocohol content. Be this may be true, according to getdrunknotfat.com (a real website) a Miller Lite has 4.2% alcohol and whiteclaw has 5.0%. So, according to my math, miller lite has 4 fewer calories and 0.8% less alcohol, ultimately crowning it my drink of choice. And for those of you wondering, its not my fault its just science. Miller Lite has less calories than whiteclaw – Stay awoken my friends.
p.s. even our friend Ja Rule was taken back when he learned Miller Lite has less calories than whiteclaw. At least, one can only assume this is what he is referring to (being he is a big fan and definitely not in the middle of a giant festival scandal where he is being sued for $100 million).