No, it’s not completely official, but that asshole is coming back. Fresh off his 6th Super bowl, he now owns yet another record, the most Super bowl rings in NFL history. 41 years of age, 6 Super bowls and an elephantine of trophies, one would ponder, Tom should hang up the cleats. Enjoy time away from football, spend time with his gorgeous wife and shit, maybe travel the world. Nay, the world is a cruel place and so is Tom Brady. What left do you have to prove!? The debate is over, its been over. You’re the f****ng G.O.A.T. I’d rather funnel tide pods with the rest of my generation than utter that statement again but if it plays any coercion into Brady never playing another down of football, then somebody grab me a funnel. In case you didn’t know, Tom, these are all the records you currently hold.

  • Regular season wins by a starting quarterback (207)
  • Most passing yards, regular season and playoffs (81,693)
  • Most passing touchdowns, postseason included: 590
  • Most touchdowns thrown to different receivers (71)
  • Division titles (16)
  • Playoff games started (40)
  • Playoff wins (30)
  • Playoff touchdown passes (73)
  • Playoff passing yards (11,179)
  • Super Bowl appearances (9)
  • Super Bowl wins (6)
  • Super Bowl MVPs (4)
  • Super Bowl touchdown passes (18)
  • Super Bowl passing yards (2,838)

Another record not mentioned: First Quarterback to openly mouth swallow Robert Kraft. 

You’ve spent the last 20 season terrorizing the NFL so I don’t know if you remember how to count but that’s 14 records Tom. Fourfuckingteen! You have 5 Super bowl records alone. My pathetic Panthers have only been to the Super bowl twice and lost both times, the first thanks to you. ENOUGH! With you electing to stay in the NFL for what I imagine is another decade, you’ll be ruining football as we know it. That god awful excuse of a sport where they put rubber balls into hoops is already ruined with essentially only two,maybe three teams. You’ve got Lebron running around the league saying he’d vote for himself as MVP. Guys are flopping around being carted off the court for muscle cramps. The sport is absolutely toxic. If you elect to keep playing until you’re 55, you’ll win at least 2 more Super Bowls and the NFL will become the NBA.

It kills me to say this,  but you’re just too damn good. Retire Tom. Think of all the benefits of you retiring.

1. Belichick would most likely move on from football and finally get back on track to his grander scheme, which is taking over planet Earth like the Extra-Terrestrial he is.

2. Gronk would retire and go on the worlds largest alcoholic bender. The world needs the gong show that is Gronk. The only thing standing in his way is football. He would be fully unleashed into the wild if you nor football was in his life. Could you imagine if Gronk went into cinema!??? It’d be amazing. The rock is literally shitting his pants right now knowing Gronk would replace him as Kevin Hart’s sidekick

3. Finally, The AFC East would restore back to it’s natural order. Instead of it being infested with 3 shitty teams, it would have 4. Yes, the Patriots would still probably win the division each year but it wouldn’t be a shoe in come pre-season.

Look Tom, no one who has a functioning brain is questioning if you are the greatest quarterback or not. You probably will go down as the best player to ever touch a pigskin. This is coming from Chubby Carolina boy who doesn’t shove clam chowda down his throat while watching Ben Affleck movies on repeat. Make life easy on yourself. Retire, continue being the living legend you are in Massachusetts and let the NFL restore some of its balance.

I don’t think you’ll listen to my plea without some persuasive lucrative offers. I have started a go fund me to buy you and your family a one way plane ticket to Boca Raton.

Click the Go Fund Me to donate.

All money raised will go directly to Toms plane ticket and his first year boarding fee. If Brady refuses are appeasing offer, all money will go to Wounded Warrior Project