It was just a normal day at work. I walked into the bathroom and approached the urinal as I had hundreds of times before. As I begin to do my business, I hear a ruffle in the stall behind me. At first I thought he was wiping himself, but the wiping got more vigorous, carried on way longer than necessary, and was accompanied by heavy breathing. It suddenly hit me. That’s not wiping. That’s masturbation.

Of course I’m not going to interrupt and say something like “ew that’s gross” or “hey knock it off”. What someone does in the bathroom stall is their business so who am I to get involved. Besides, how would you feel if someone interrupted you when you were about to climax?

But then it dawns on me, what if he’s using me for material and beatin’ his meat to me? I don’t need another Arcadia experience. I immediately zip up my pants, rinse my hands, and rush out. I’ve never felt so violated.

Sure it’s none of my business, but what kind of sick fuck does that in a public bathroom? It’s not sanitary. There’s people comin’ in and out. How can you even concentrate? I told some people what happened and the response I got was shocking. Apparently, I’m the only one who thought it was totally weird to jerk it at work. Desperate for vindication that I wasn’t such a prude, I took to the internet to find some evidence or laws proving me right. What did I find? That I was wrong.

Turns out masturbation at work is a very common practice and in some cases recommended. In fact a recent study found that 40% of men in New York masturbate at work. Don’t let that statistic fool you though, many women have also confessed to taking masturbation breaks at work.

When you think about it, masturbation is the ultimate stress reliever, so what better way to relieve the stresses of the workplace than by masturbating your stresses away. Most companies offer smoke and coffee breaks, but now some doctors are actually advocating for companies to start implementing masturbation breaks. They believe that for every 52 minutes on the job, each employee should have 17 minutes to masturbate, so they can reduce stress and increase productivity. Even if you don’t have stressful workplace, jerkin it can be one hell of a way to kill 15 minutes. Who knows, if you do it enough you might actually enjoy going to work. And if it worked for the Wolf of Wallstreet, why can’t it work for you?

While it may be normal, just keep in mind some very important rules:

  1. Only masturbate in the bathroom, never at your desk.
  2. Never masturbate to the thought of a coworker. That could seriously complicate your relationship and possibly end up with some unwanted boners during meetings.
  3. Always wash your hands when you’re done.

Listen, we may be allowed to masturbate at work, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it just yet. All I know is I haven’t been back to that bathroom since my possible peeping Tom was rubbing one out.┬áIf you’ve done it and saw positive results or just had an absolute nightmare of an experience, let us know by submitting your stories to officejockeys@gmail.com.

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Dusty Cummings