Valentines Day what a freaking time. A time where I get to watch attractive people spend a joy filled day pampering their selves with red wine, roses, love and sex. Meanwhile, I sit sulking in the corner knowing later I’ll be spending the evening alone using my tears as lubricant.Last year, I said this year will be the year, this time, it’ll be different. Yet, here I am eating lunch alone like steven glansberg at 5th period lunch. Valentines day may be a f***ng parade for star-crossed lovers but for a sexually neglected behemoth like myself, it’s a living nightmare. Why should I constantly be reminded of how happy you all are? Why Should I be reminded that my obtuse figure doesn’t turn the opposite sex on?
Typically, Valentines day consists of answering angry emails at my cubicle followed by a night alone slurping down a box of Crisp red Franzia watching 50 shades of grey with the roomies. But not this year, oh no-no. I found someone! Yes, that’s right you hicks. Her name you ask? Hooters. This year, I will spending this usual glum evening at the local hooters like the spritely spirited man I am. Some of you may be thinking, ” How sexist of you. Boobs, wings and beers.” well, shame on you. I am not there to objectify women. I am their soley to receive my special gift for being the lonely,Free wings! Oh, ears all perked up now, eh? It’s call shred em and forget em. Bring in a photo of your ex girl/boyfriend and you will receive a free order of wings. Valentines day just got a Santa Claus and her names Hooters. So yes, I’ll be brining in my Cimino elementary yearbook and reclaiming my valentines gift that is so rightfully mine. You may have won the battle and broke my heart in the 5th grade Fradia Fletcher but guess what, I won the war and 10 free wings.
Merry Valentine’s Day