For those of you who aren’t familiar with the movie Taken, stop reading this and go watch it right now. If you refuse and insist on reading this without watching, just know that there will be some spoilers. But the movie is like 10 years old so that’s your own damn fault if you haven’t seen it.

Brief summary of the movie: Liam Neeson’s daughter gets kidnapped, some guy says good luck, a bunch of Albanians get killed, he saves his daughter. To me, this movie was totally unrealistic. Not because one guy in his 60’s was able to go to another country and wipe out an entire mob. I mean it’s Liam Neeson, of course that’s possible. Up until recently I thought this was a documentary. If anything, Liam Neeson crushing skulls was the only realistic part of the whole story.

My doubt revolves around the daughter’s story line. I mean shit, the girl went through hell and back. First she was kidnapped with her friend (who even though dies a horrific death we won’t talk about anymore because let’s face it, it’s her fault they’re in this mess anyway) and forced to do drugs. Now when I say drugs, I don’t mean the fun party drugs. I mean the hard shit. That sit in the corner half conscious for hours heroine shit. Then she is put up for auction and sold for $500k just because she is a virgin. After Liam shoots a sheikh in the face, she returns home and is perfectly fine, like nothing happened. Here is where I have questions.

First off I’d like to commend the daughter. At the end of the movie, she is reunited with her parents and runs through the airport to greet them. She runs like a 5 year old child, but a grounded 5 year old child, which is unbelievable to me. Someone just offered to pay $500k for her looks alone. If that was me I’d be the cockiest son of a bitch on the face of the earth. If someone holds the door for me I am overwhelmed with confidence. Hold the door for the next person? Fuck no. Move faster you swine if you want to be in my presence. If someone offered me $10 bucks I’d brag about it for months, let alone $500k. Yet she walked, no stampeded through that airport like a normal human being.

The most unbelievable part of the movie was after all this 17 year old girl goes through: getting kidnapped, losing her best friend, and being forced through a human trafficking ring; how does she cope? Her dad brings her for singing lessons. Are you kidding me? That’s it?! She’s not in therapy or on countless drugs to help her forget? She’s not going through withdrawals from all the heroine? She’s only 17, she should have been destroyed! I’m in my late 20s. I stubbed my toe on the coffee table the other day and I haven’t been able to walk through the living room without PTSD. I indulge in a few too many Whiteclaws and I’m hungover for a week, let alone heroine. So how did she do it? Singing lessons?

I’d just like to point out that in the second movie she’s not a famous singer which means she sings like shit. So I guess the moral of this story is not just about a father who rescues his daughter despite any obstacles, it’s about a father who supports his daughter no matter how talentless she might be. Don’t you see, this movie is trying to teach us a lesson. Bet you didn’t pick up on that did ya? Sorry for blowing your mind.

I also didn’t like how Liam Neeson runs dozens of city blocks to chase a boat without cramping, drives through head on traffic without glare being an issue, and how after all they went through he decides to ride home in a cab instead of in a limo with the rest of the family. But despite everything I hate, there’s way more that I love. That scene where Liam Neeson has to listen to his daughter getting kidnapped and then threatens the kidnapper with his “particular set of skills” is by far one of the most powerful moments in movie history. It’s a total insult that he wasn’t nominated for an Oscar. Despite the faulty plot, I love this movie and I plan on watching it again as soon as I finish this sentence.

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