For those of you who may not be aware, the art of making “whoopee” is to have sex. Porking, forking, boinking, bumping uglies, hide the ham; you get the picture. For those of you who also may not be aware, us at Office Jockeys don’t have a whole lot of sex. The looming question hovers over our heads each and every time we hit the keyboard for a desperate post. For a while, I thought, maybe something was wrong with me? Then, I stumbled across the answer I’ve been looking for my whole f****ng life. No, it’s not my pizza face, it’s not my stomach which appears to be infected by elephantinus nor is it my shitty personality. Those three factors have absolutely nothing to do with the lack of love us Jockeys are getting.

The crucial answer you may ask? Geography. Who would have known, through all the meth heads, mug shots and animal rapist, Florida is not the best state for love? Being the intellectual I am, I researched the thirstiest states in our great country. My hypothesis of Panama City, New Orleans, California were all a stereotype. We’ve been doing this all wrong for decades. Check out the list below to discover Pandora’s box of sex.


                                    Statistics as of 2018

Rhode Island- Coming in at number 1 was the Ocean State, Rhode Island. Rhode f***ng island!??? Are you shitting me!? The state is like 15 minutes long! Evidentially, everyone is just driving street to street and banging one another. It’s sick. I guess our next spring break spot… is Rhode Island. Yay.


Maine- I don’t know a whole lot about Maine except it’s cold as f**k and everyone’s skin complexion reflects Casper the carton ghost. I don’t doubt people are having sex up in the great white North but I doubt it’s for enjoyment. It’s so cold, people are having sex as a survival skill. Body warmth baby.

Michigan- Other than the wolverines, 8 mile and the critically acclaimed movie “4 brothers” I imagine life is so miserable the only thing to do is make love. Case closed.

Vermont- The horrendous Brent Ely hails from this state, so this static has to be false.

Massachusetts– HARDA HARDA HARDA. That is all I can imagine the local southie’s of Charlestown Mass belch as they attempt to pork. I am convinced if you took Ben Affleck, Matt damon and Robert Kraft out of this treacherous state, the majority of the sex would cease.


Dusty Cummings