Welcome back to another segment of #Club26 where the adventures of being on the wrong side of your twenties are exposed. If you missed our inaugural article, Check it out here!

With the better half of your youthful twenties behind you, at 26 you begin to realize your life is moving fast, with or without you. Like a cocky 8th grader emerging into a scared shitless Freshmen in high school, turning 26 is very similar scenario. Sure, you don’t get water balloons filled with urine thrown at you, but none the less, it can be a bumpy transition. Within your work life, you’re no longer considered the recent college grad at 26. Being you’ve most likely been employed for 2-3 years, the shit you used to pull that was considered “cute” is now deemed more of a nuisance and immature. The days of blaming your irresponsible life decisions on your sweltering youth are not completely diminished but they are starting to flicker in the rear view mirror.

The world expects things from you when you’re a part of #club26. For starters, that life support health care you’ve been mooching off your parents your whole life has come to an end. Health Insurance is expensive as balls. Deductibles, late night ambulance rides, panic attacks.. all those add up. If you read last weeks memoir, you’d know I had a little visit to the ER on Saint Patrick’s Day. In light of this, I received a hefty hospital bill for stitching my face back together. This made me ponder, maybe I should get a credit card. I know what you’re thinking, how does this 26-year-old never had a credit card!? Fair question. I have always avoided getting one because I do not trust myself with one. I have a hard enough time not blowing my bi weekly pay check at the bar, how the hell could I manage money that’s not even real?

Like a swift kick to the gonads, it hit me. In order to be a functioning human being in life, you have to build credit.  The only line of credit I had was student loans and paying the power bill at the Titz Carlton (Which we never paid on time) Sure, I may be slumming it up with my roommates from college renting currently but what if one day, I want to own a home??? Raise a family? Evidently you need credit for all that poop. Sure, I’m a little ways away from some of that grown up stuff but darn it tooting, I need some credit. Talk about life exploding in your face. It was my first quarter life crisis.

This past week, I applied for a credit card and was approved within 5 minutes which was absolutely astonishing to me. The credit card company then reveals to me, they are giving me an $18,000 limit. By the sweet lips of Betty White, this company has no idea the grave mistake they just made. $18,000! The only time I’ve seen that amount of money was on a Ozark episode. I’ll be honest, I am absolutely petrified of using this thing. I could finally buy that mechanical Shark I’ve always wanted. Maybe buy  that shrine of princess Diana I’ve always dreamed about. Mail order a Russian bride!? The options are endless. But then a voice in my head intruded my plans, it was my mothers. You’re an idiot, stop buying things you don’t need and be a real 26-year-old. She was right, I am now a part of #club26, only responsible purchases. So, my first big boy purchase was baby aspirin to reduce my risk of heart attack. I then purchased a blood pressure monitor as my sodium intake has been rather high. Salt, that’s the real silent killer.

Adulting at its finest. Here’s to being a functioning being of society and a valued member of #Club 26. Check in next week where I dive into a foreign subject: Reading.

unnamed-3 copy

Written by Clarky