Congratulations. You’ve achieved the impossible. After swiping on those apps for so long, you not only matched with someone but you convinced them to meet you for a first date. There’s no pressure here. The other person obviously thinks you’re attractive so just be yourself. Also, don’t fuck it up.

I’m not saying the first date sets the entire tone for the rest of the relationship, but at the very least it’s the interview that gets you more dates, so you definitely want to make a good impressions. It’s not all on you though. The other person has to make a good impression also so you want to do something on your first date that allows each of you to learn more about each other. After all, the other person could be a total lunatic, too. In which case you’d make for a perfect couple.

Every couple is different so we can’t give you a definitive list of places to go for a first date, but what we can do is tell you where not to go:

1. The Movies

Movies are awesome and will probably serve as the basis for most of the early conversations, but it’s no place for a first date. On a first date you want to talk to and get to know your date. Unless your one of those douchebags who talks during movies, once the lights dim down low and the movie starts you can’t speak to them and it would be pretty weird to stare at them the whole time to see how they react to certain scenes. Plus if the movie sucks, she’ll associate that movie with you. If you choose to ignore this advice and take your date to the movies anyway, then make sure you don’t do the arm over the shoulder bit. It’s too soon and uncomfortable for all parties involved.

2. Your House

The very act of inviting someone to your house to hangout for a first meeting could ruin everything. This implies sex and could make the other person feel cheap or indicate you don’t want anything serious. Plus, your house isn’t that much fun to be a desired destination, unless of course you had a mini amusement park at your house, but freakin Michael Jackson ruined that for everyone so now people get freaked out by that. Also, keep in mind that you don’t know this person, so the last thing you need is some psychopath finding out where you live. You could potentially pull this off though if you promise to cook an extravagant meal to show off your culinary skills, but as we saw in my previous tale of the Slow Eater, that doesn’t always pan out the way we’d like.

3. Camping

This one should be obvious. Why would you voluntarily go out into the wilderness with a stranger you’ve never met. What if that person is a serial killer and you just made things easy for them. Even worse, what if that person can’t carry a conversation? Now you have to sit around listening to nature and pray a bear raids your camp to spice things up. In my opinion the worst first date idea. Just stay out of the woods and do literally anything else and it would be a better first date.

4. The Club

*Music blaring so loud it shakes your organs*

Her: I’m an Accountant!

Me: What?

Her: I said I’m an Accountant!

Me: That’s great! I love a woman who’s independent! So what do you do for a living?

Sure clubs are fun when you just want to get your drink on and bust a move, but they’re no place for a first date. You could possibly meet someone on the dance floor the same way I met that Tiny Dancer but chances are your date didn’t swipe on you for your dance moves. Maybe the club would be a fun spot for a second date, but they are way too dark and loud to have an intimate conversation with someone and truly get to know them. Instead, keep it casual and go somewhere that’s decently lit and not too loud.

5. A Museum

You’re a classy intellectual who appreciates the arts. What better way to show your date that than to take them to the museum? Seems like a great idea on paper, but actually not the best place to get to know someone. You’re not allowed to talk in some museums so it’s not a good setting to hold a conversation. Also, if your date actually appreciates the arts you could end up looking stupid. I had a first date at a museum once and lucky for me my date was an art major in college. At one point she turned to me and said “so what do you think about this piece?” Me, being a scholar and a gentleman, whispered “Kinda looks like me.” (It was a painting of a naked guy with abs…which I definitely don’t have). Needless to say, total swing and a miss.

6. Fancy Dinner

A lot of people say this is the most overrated first date destination and it’s somewhat true. Sometimes you get lucky like I did and you get help from a Mystery Wingman who helps to make the date an unforgettable experience. But for many, you can end up paying a lot of money for expensive food just for the conversation to fall flat and sit in awkward silence. Personally, I love food so I would use first dates as an excuse to try new places, but over time you can end up spending a lot of money so maybe it’s best to save it for those special occasions.

Like I said, there’s no definitive best place to take a first date. Just make sure you don’t take them somewhere too quite, too loud, and whatever you do don’t go camping.

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Silent Riot