Hello my fellow Jockeys and welcome back to segment 4 of #Club 26. First time reader? Check out the previous segments below to get all caught up.
Week 1: Saint Patricks Day
Week 2: Credit Cards
Week 3: Literature
I’m honestly exhausted even writing these words out right now. F I T T N E S S. It’s so tiring to muster that word up. On this current journey I am embarking on to be a mature 26-year-old, Fitness is by far the least appetizing. Sure, signing up for 401 K, Budgeting money and not blowing my entire pay check on bar tabs has surely been an adjustment. Be that as it may, no life change has been as vast and swift as this fitness journey I am attempting.
Let me start out by saying, I’m sort of a fat ass. Sure, I am not obese but my body can be compared to as a potato. Lumpy in all the wrong places. You know it’s bad when its a guarantee your stomach will jiggle driving over a speed bump but Hey, Diet Starts Tomorrow. After hopping on the scale at the E.R. last week, towering in at 82 Kilos (180 lbs) I pondered, maybe I should start working out. Actually, the doctor essentially insisted I work out or diabetes 2 would be in store for me. Good lord, I’ve become the fat kid! How did I let this happen!? I guess that’s what 5 year of pretending your Van Wilder in college will do to you. No more double chin, no more pepperoni nipples just Kale, Keto and Kardio for this 26-year-old.
What they neglect to tell you about cardio, is, cardio is the comparable to black pox. It’s a deadly disease that ruins life itself. Every type of cardio is horrific. Running, biking, swimming, jump rope, rowing, leap frog… it’s all excruciating pain. Yes, the cramps hurt but for you young bucks out there who are not over the hill of 25, fitness takes a vast toll on your body when you hit 26. Everyone of my joints and bones aches from running a quarter-mile. I think I’ve also developed asthma as my breathing valves evidently stop working the moment my heart rate exceeds 80 beats per minute. The days of running 5 miles and drinking 10 beers after are well behind me. I run half a mile now and I’m taking ice baths for 4 moons to come. The old bones just don’t function like they used to. Your bones equivalate to Betty White from golden Girls the moment you turn 26. Don’t believe me? Ask me how many times I’ve been to the hospital this month? 3. Stitches for a busted chin. Fractured foot from walking, literally walking. Now you ask? A separated and fractured shoulder. All of these occurred from attempting to do some form of fitness. My bones are literally made of pixie dust. Of all the life changing events that occur when you hit this age, trying to get back into shape is by far the hardest to adapt to. Tomorrow I am trying something called “Orange Theory Fitness” and there is no way I make it through without face planting on the treadmill.
Stay tuned for next weeks segment, where we discuss adapting to life outside the cubicle.
Categories: Cubicle Chatter