“ I accomplished nothing and regret everything.”- Anonymous
For those of you who missed last weeks inaugural chapter of the House That Broke me, catch up at the link here.
Last week we harped on what was to come on this 20-chapter saga. Tales of regret, rock bottom and some seldom triumphs to come. To enlighten you on this shit show that was the Titz Carlton, It’s only appropriate to take you back to where it all started for me, the summer of 2012.
A young, eager freshman heading into his first semester of summer school. What better way to spend it than at the new off campus slum hole. (The Titz) You’ve already heard about our neighbors horror from our move in day but what you don’t know is the gong show they were subjected to those 4 years and It all began in mid April of 2012.
Being the scholar I am, I enrolled myself into one of the most demanding courses known to man, Intro to Hospitality. On Tuesdays and Thursdays every week from 11- 1 p.m. I digested the knowledge of how to properly fold a table napkin. College education at its finest. In my down time, I picked up a part time job at the local Nautica retail store where one of the Titz residents worked as well. Let’s call this resident, “Scrooge.” There were also two more residents at this home, let’s call them ” Quagmire” and ” Beast.” Scrooge and I worked an average of 5 hours a week. That totals to 9 hours a week of rigorous academics and work labor. Point is, I had quite an abundance of down time. Good for me, bad for our neighbors.
Having the occasional downtime is a prominent key to living a healthy lifestyle. That being said, the good lord did not intend for us to have a stupendous amount of it, which I did in the summer of 2012. For starters, you become bored and when that happens your mind runs dangerously amuck. You tend to find ways to keep yourself entertained. Below is a list of some highlights, day to days and ways I survived the great summer of 2012.
Being I worked 5 Hours a week getting paid $8.50 an hour, my bi weekly paycheck was typically just south of $95. That comes to a monthly income of $190 for the math wizards out there. Sure, I was on a tight budget, but I had the mindset of Jordan Belfort. Sacrifices had to be made. As much as I loved beer, I had to give it up, it became to expensive. I needed to be smarter when I drank, I needed to treat each drop of alcohol like it was my last. Hence, the SKOL vodka diet. The SKOL vodka diet was financially ($10.99 a handle) a success but physically and mentally a disaster. A typical meal for me this summer was something like this.
- Morning: Skip, too poor to eat.
- Afternoon: 2 eggs
- Midafternoon: 2 cups of SKOL and play super smash brothers with scrooge and company
- Dinner: Eat a large hot and ready Little Ceasers pizza $5 (2.5 % of my monthly income.)
- Desert: SKOL with Coco powder
Due to my open schedule, down time was the theme of 2012. Instead of trying to get back into peak shape, advance my studies or pick up a second job, I came up with ways to fill the sunny days in san Carlos.
- Roof Drinking- Something about consuming alcohol on an elevated surface makes it all that more glorious. The days of drinking that turned into nights would always end on the roof somehow. I’ll never forget our neighbors jaw drop seeing 4 grown men shooting BB guns off the roof at empty beer cans.
- Racoon Hunting- With the abundance of free time, I picked up a sport in the wake of 2012. Hunting. Now, typically, when one hunts they go to someone property or sit in a deer stand far, far away from the public. I did not have the resources for this nor the money. What I did have? A red Ryder BB gun and a woods filled to the brim of obtuse sized racoons. After gulping down a couple of SKOLS with blue Powerade polar pop, the boys of summer would chum the yards with left over trash awaiting our precious prey. Some nights, dozens of these garbage disposal creatures would pollute our lawn. We had limited BB’S due to our lack of funds, so we had to make each shot count. This also displeased our neighbors.
- Pool Days- In the sunniest of areas in the deep park, your skin can scorch from the mighty sun. Often, the pool is a quick remedy. However, the closet pool was 4 miles away and wasting precious money on gas was not an option. In light of this, I created our own water park in the front yard. With the purchase of a small kiddy pool and the use of my truck, I solved the houses problems. I turned that front yard into Cedar Rapids. Pool days were the best. Wake up, fill your glass with some sangria, take a bit of Mile’s homemade fried chicken, Jimmy Buffest on Pandora and take a nice dip in the bubble bath that was my truck.
Life was great in the summer of 2012, my financials and GPA however were not.
Stay tuned for chapter 3 where we learn about Robert O’Doyle and the great Ghost of the Titz Carlton.
Check out our official Park Rat shirt, use code ‘Parkrat” for 20% off your order. Free shipping because Y.O.L.O.
” I am proud to be from San Carlos Park. It ruined my life, literally but still I am proud.” – Anonymous San Carlos resident
Categories: Booze Hounds