This past Sunday, I learned the truth to why I am only 5”8 and ½. No, its not genetics nor the fact I drink entirely too much coffee. It’s has nothing to do with the fact the good lord wanted me to be under 6 foot, so I would remain humble. It’s because I was fed the wrong nutrients growing up. For those of you who watch Game of Thrones, you know exactly what I am referring to. Tormund, the shows rebellious barbaric like favorite, revealed to the world why he became so big and strong. Giants Milk.
While my mom and dad were feeding me the ADA approved 2% whole dairy milk, little did they know, they were breeding a slightly below average height man. All my life, I looked up to the sky, wishing I was closer to it. Each night before I laid my head to rest, I would drink a glass of milk and stretch in hopes would grow to be a tall and powerful man. I’d whisper the words, “ mean, lean and tall.” Instead, I got the replica of Sean Austin, the actor who played Rudy. The question I’ve been looking for my whole life was uncovered at 9:18 p.m. this past Sunday. If only Tormund’s words had come 26 years ago, who knows what I would be doing now? Would I be slaving away in my beige cubicle crunching TPS reports? Heck no. I’d be a WWE wrestler or working in a Russian prison camp breaking rocks with a sledgehammer with a bunch of guys named Demetri. The world would be my oyster, I’d be a mountain, and no one could stop me. When you drink Giants milk, the sky is the limit. Mom, I love you, but you really should have gotten me some Giants milk.