If you remember from my earlier post Welcome to Portland, you’ll remember I had a lot of odd interactions with the locals. The scariest interaction was with one of our Uber drivers. It was only 5 PM when he picked us up, but in Portland that means it’s already super dark and raining heavy. If this was a movie, the weather would have been perfect for a murder scene. But to me, it was just a regular Uber ride.

We slide into the back seat and without hesitation my girlfriend asks the driver “are you familiar with Ted Bundy?” When he said he did, she responded with “ok we were listening to a podcast earlier about him.”

I immediately shot her a puzzled look as if to say, “why the fuck would you start with that?” What happened to “how long you been doing uber” or “can you recommend anywhere good to eat?” Why would you just start with serial killers?

She texts me shortly after “He looks really creepy so I wanted to let him know that we were familiar with Ted Bundy so he wouldn’t try anything.”

What?

Why would telling him we know he’s a serial killer save us? If anything that would tip him off to clean up loose ends. Also, Ted Bundy is very much dead, so mentioning his name on the off chance that he might be Ted Bundy makes absolutely no sense. I immediately dismiss the possibility that we actually got into the car with a serial killer, but the thought lingers in my head. I talk to him more to gather more clues.

Our interrogation reveals that he’s actually a pretty nice dude. My girlfriend is half Phillipino and his wife just moved from the Phillipines (probably as a mail order bride) so he must have felt a strong connection to us. He explained that he was only working uber to pay for her family to go to school in the Phillipines. He also mentioned that his wife was going to all the touristy places we were visiting with a friend and that he was never allowed to join. We assume that means she’s having an affair, but we keep that to ourselves as to not trigger any anger.

We realized he was cool, but he also asked a lot of questions about where we were staying, which my girlfriend answered with an unnecessary amount of detail. Now I’m panicking again since I figure he’s just trying to figure out the logistics of killing us.

He turns down the block to drop us off at our Airbnb. As he parks, a minivan pulls up right behind us. I would have thought nothing of it, except the driver was a Phillipino woman. Now I’m worried we actually are in danger. I try to stay calm but my theory is that’s his wife in the van behind us come to team up and kidnap us. I don’t know what type of sick shit this couple is into but I’m not dying in Portland. I rush my girlfriend out of the car and pull her quickly into the Airbnb. I barricade the doors with our luggage and stare out the window all night. I’m still alive so I’m guessing he’s not a serial killer or his weakness is folded up underwear stacked against a door. But just because he’s not a serial killer yet he may become one once he finds out his wife’s cheating on him.

Uber Rating: 5.0 – This was a last ditch effort at trying to win favor with a serial killer. His car was pretty clean too so bonus points.

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Silent Riot