8:00 p.m. All I have been hearing about these past few years is Channing Tatums index finger and the bachelorette. Last night I decided to dive into this realm of idicrocy that is THIS reality television. This season features a young women from tuscalusca who evidently was already on the show with some coloston character? This is news to me. If I were a betting man, I’d put 100 on red stating that this scenario will resurface later in this season. I have a lot of questions juggling around in my head currently which need to be answered. ABC better answer them.
8:10 “ I am truly excited to meet 30 different guys.”
Well, no shit. I’m sure ABC has flown in the top notch men of America. You don’t see ugly people on TV unless it’s an extra in Game of Thrones.
8:15 Time to meet the guys. They just hand this “contractor” prance around like Patrick Swazi in dirty dancing. I He’s got some moves to be honest but the second he opens his mouth, I imagine girls want to vomit. I can’t believe I am watching this crock of shit.
Thoughts: I am 18 minutes in and I don’t know how much longer I can watch. It’s 2019 and I need to be more open minded, so I must press on. I certanitely prefer the fairer sex (women) but I’ll tell you what, there are some strapping lads this lady has to chose from. Must be nice, 30 individuals of the opposite sex competeting for your attention and affection.
8:25 Anna has arrived to the mansion, rumor has it, she was here before competing herself. Well, well, well, how the turns tables. A real life hunger games, meow.
8:30: random guy “ I want to be your hole in one.” – Was that sexual?
Good lord this is so stupid but I can’t stop watching.
8:31: Oh good, the shirtless contractor is here. Yay.
Thoughts: So I have come to a conclusion. We are only 4 men in and this show is showing favoritism. Favoritism to attractive people. Why is there no below average looking people? Literally, everyone is handsome and looks like they work at Abercrombie and fitch.
8:31 “ I am a virgin…… I’m just kidding” Bold pick up line. Sounds like something Ted Bundy would joke about.
Confirmed: John Paul Jones has the brain cells of a caveman.
8:34: Someone has arrived in a package box. I don’t know who he is but I hate him already. Why is she finding this so amusing. If I showed up at a females house in a box I’d be arrested.
8:35: comericial break- the anticipation builds.
What’s in the box!???
Oh, it’s the f****ng box guy. “The Box King.” Bitches love boxes.
” Hannah was very suprised.”
Thoughts: I imagine she was surprised. Surprised that a grown man wrapped himself in a box and constantly refers to himself as the box king. You may be more sucessful and handsome than me but I would have beat you up in high school and locked you in a box.
8:42- Roller boy just rolled in. That’s his nick name. We’ve got box king and roller boy. Real winners.
Grant: unemployed but he can afford mustard. I like him. Bold move rolling in, eating a hot dog with strictly just mustard. Ketchup has always been the go to when it comes to grilling meats such as the hot dog. This guy is wildcard and guess what? I’m buying what he’s selling.
8:43: There is a king of the jungle and he is roaring on top of a limo. Watch out mufasa.
Thoughts: To recap, we’ve got box king, roller boy, Sean Paul Jones who has the thought process of a rock and now, the king of the jungle roaring on top of a limo.
8: 44 I am perplexed, I guess there were some roses given out already? Someone explain this shit to me.
8:45- A guy just wrapped and I am almost certain it’s better than any machine gun kelly song. He has a rose as well.
8:46- Billy Bob just rolled up on a tractor and he is singing. It was pretty horrible but still, better than any recent Luke Bryan song.
8:48- Leonardo from catch me if you can just rolled up in his flight suit. Yeah, he may be handsome but I’d bet my life he can’t land a plane upside down drunk like my boy Denzel. NEXT.
Question: What do you think all these guys converse about when the camera is not on? Comment below or don’t. This show is so stupid I could care less.
8:55– Anna is pacing around the garden deciding her fate. Must be tough to have 30 options to chose from like it’s a buffet at golden corral. . She walks in and the men start barking. Sexist ABC!
8:57– the Intro’s are over. Luke grabs Anna already. Showing his dominance.
” I’m seriously into you, so you have some catching up to do.”
Try that line at a bar and see how it pans out.
9:00 The hunger games have commenced. They are shaking balls out of a tissue box.
I just dont know how much more of this shit I can take. I also just relalized it’s a two hour epedoise…..
9:02- Cam, the new slim shady already got a smooch. His lyrics and rhymes may just get him into her pants.
9:03: The second rose has arrived. the boys are giving their insight on what she is looking for. I can’t stress enough how dumb this is.
Side note: The new commerical for Aldein looks slightly better than this show so far.
9:07: Guy plays guitar. Girl likes it. Real oroginal love story ABC.
unpopular opinion: Hannah’s friend in the pink shirt. She should be the bachelortette.
9:10- Box king is back up. real charmer that guy. I hope he makes it far solely so I can roast him weekly.
9:11- Tensions have run high. Apparently this guy has a girlfriend. I’ve never claimed to be splitting atoms but if this guy has a girlfriend and is attempting to sleep with another women, the nationally telivised show on ABC is probobly going to get you caught.
9:12: Oh shit Scott, you done messed up now! Anna, I mean Hannah is pissssssssed.
9:13: You’re toast Scott
9:14: The educated Sean Paul Jones adds his insight.
” I wouldn’t want to be Scott right now.”
Thank you Sean Paul Jones, that is an astounding thought.
9:18: ” She messaged me on AIM.”
9:21 : Scott has been eliminated because he spoke to a female on Monday. Bare in mind, Hannah has spoken to 29 men today, Kissed one and probably will sleep with a few through out the duration of this saga. Sabermetrics.
9:23– ” If anyone has any secrets… I need to know.” – Hannah
*Box King contemplates about the life sized doll collection in his apartment. Nah, that’s normal.
9:23- I also just realized her name is hannah not anna. Oops.
9:25: Just remembered somethign relvant was on, NHL playoffs. Peace.
It was tough but I did make it through one hour and 25 minutes of the Bacherlotte.
Tune in next week for some more juicy updates.
Categories: Cubicle Chatter