Welcome back my flock for another segment of the Bacherlotte as told from the male species. This week things get heated. Last week, was the feeling out stage, sylabus week if you will. This moon, the tides changed as an all out battle for that hick from tuscaloosa, Hannah dispersed. Below is a timeline of my live thoughts while watching this saga.
8:00- Time to prep myself for this 2 hours of donkey shit. I can’t irritate how ridiculous this show is. America is imploding.
8:15- The boys are now debuting their bodies for Hannah via speedo walk way show. Remember the drinking game? Grab yourself a 12 pack, these guys work out.
8:17- Good lord, these boys certanitely dont live by the “Diet starts tomorrow” rule we swear by.
8:19 Our boy John Paul Jones proved he can be an idiot without even opening his mouth. That being said, guys got some serious lettuce. Like a young fabio.
side note: Do you think Hannah is judging these men off the size of their toruser snakes portruding through the speedo’s? I know the drag queen judges are.
8:25– Up last comes Luke who looks like a desperate puppy head over hills for this hillbilly hannah. He takes his shirt off and his body and mine differ vastly. His arms look sculpted by the gods themselves. Mine look like two flabby pieces of chorizo. He Has abdominal muscles. My torso resemble the pillsberry dough boy. Im going to have another beer. Maybe some ice cream cake later, IDK.. Frick off.
8:30– It’s the talent show now. Let’s see if these idiots are as talented as they are stupid for entering something this ridicilous.
8:31 John Pual Jones does a circuit act like the clown that he is. Best way to win the heart of a siren is the circus. Everyone knows that.
8:32- What will Box King’s talent be? Maybe to turn invisible and never pollute this earth with his thoughts again.
8:33 “Hannah I am starting to fall in love with you.” – Luke Known hannah for 48 hours.
Side note- I didnt realize expressing your feelings was talent. Technically, he should be DQ’d
8:35– I guess I’ll eat shit because Luke just won the talent show. Love conquors all they say.
8:40 Back at the crib, the other boys confront Luke and his forward heart.
” I just don’t think in the history of males that someone has fallen in love with a women that fast.”
Finally something sensable out of one of these guy’s meatholes. I don’t think anyone is going to get these guys confused with splitting an atom but this was the first sign of intellegence on the show. Well done.
Luke essentially tells the guys to f**k off and he’s going to get what he wants.
8:42– One of the guys takes hannah on a helicopter ride. I had to poop so I missed that. I imagine it was windy and her alabama blood did not adapt the wind chill.
8:49 “what’s the point of all of this if we cant make the world better.” – quote from a guy whose name eludes me. It sounds extremely similar to the dragon Queen Deanerys Taergareyn… and she burned cities to the ground. Foreshadowing much!?
8:50- Who hasnt been on a date this week. 3 guys raise their hand. check out our sexless in seattle section.
8:51– Hannah kisses another guy. I’m not mathmatician but she’s dangeroslly close to contracting mono with all this excessive smooching.
9:15 Luke takes Hannah on a date, it is your typical first date…. the shirtless massage one. This date is somehow creepily interrupted by another contestant.
“Its’ not what it looks like.”
Well, it looks like your getting a shirtless massage Luke but please enlighten me on what really is going on.
the guys go full blown Tanya Harding and do some roller derby where the athletic abilities of the contestants really shine.
9:30 aspiring rapper Cam, forces himself on an awkward 3 person date which involves chicken nuggets. Painfully awkward to watch.
Similar to last week, I turned this off early as my eyes could bare no more. Stay tuned for next week’s writeup.